'Jersey Shore': Last night's top 10 amazingly ridiculous lines

Aside from The Situation’s quipping, a lot happened in this episode. Despite only knowing each other for less time than it takes to mail a letter cross-country, Sammi and Ronnie’s tearful argument somehow managed to feel surprisingly genuine. Pauly D spent the episode as a supporting player in a Situation comedy, as he and Mike brought two separate sets of girls (four in total) back to the house and had to figure out how to juggle them all for maximum Jacuzzi time. It was so farcical, I kept expecting a bewildered Don Knotts to throw open the door and yell, “What’s going on in here!”

But of course, the most important element of this week’s episode was what they didn’t show, namely the punch seen ’round the Net. The cynic in me would say that MTV’s decision to show Snooki’s attack in last week’s promo but cut it out of the episode itself was just a blatant attempt to exploit and sensationalize violence against women for ratings without having to deal with the consequences. Luckily, that can’t be the case since we all know that MTV programming is the height of good taste and restraint. Right, Tila Tequila? Right?!

In any case, there were quite a few fantastic one liners this week. So, without further ado, I present to you, in order of ridiculousness, this week’s Top 10 Moments in Guidocity:

10. “I was trying to put you in the equation. Like, you, in the equation!” – Ronnie, to Sammi

9. “You have to stay fresh to death.” – Pauly D, on his tan/exercise/hair regimen

8. “The friggin’ duck-phone” – Snooki, having difficulty replacing the receiver

7. “Pauly D. was with the grenade.…When you go into battle, you need to have some friends with you, so that just in case a grenade gets thrown at you, one of your buddies takes it first.” – The Situation, reflecting poignantly on a less-than-pulchritudinous girl

6. “I would so do your dishes, but I’m not even doing that right now.” – The Grenade, to Pauly, with absolutely no double entendre intended

5. “This little shrimp thing is, like, bopping around.” – Sammi, on Snooki’s dancing

4. “I’m hooking up with my girl. Pauly is hooking up with his girl. And we’re going to have sex, that’s the situation.” – The Situation, ostensibly meaning that he and Pauly were going to have sex with the girls and not with each other.

3. “I’m like, chill out, Freckles McGee.” – The Situation, on a girl who wants to go home instead of hooking up

2. “Mike would bang a Gatorade bottle if it had a pulse.” — Ronnie, on The Situation’s low standards and what is apparently the most frightening Gatorade bottle ever

1. “He’s a really good guy. That’s the kind of guy I need in my life. I think his name is Ron.” – Snooki, on her new friend, Russ

Any we missed from last night, PopWatchers? Are you still into the Shore three episodes in?