Chelsea Handler on the vampire craze
I don’t quite get this whole lusting-after-vampires thing. I’ve certainly slept with my fair share of guys who look bad in the daylight, but this Twilight/True Blood craze is being taken a little far. I recently read that grown women were stealing cardboard cutouts of Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner from Nordstrom. I don’t understand how; the wind resistance alone should slow them down. Security can’t be to blame; obviously those women were on a mission. I for one would certainly get out of the way of a crazy cougar running down the street with a cougar cosmo and a fake vampire.
I don’t know if the craze will last, so I worry a little about the actors. Corey Haim and Corey Feldman got a lot of attention when they starred in that vampire movie The Lost Boys, and we all know how that turned out. Robert Pattinson would be best served changing his last name to Patterson since that’s an actual last name, and Kristen Stewart should consider putting a stop to that chain smoking before she develops black lung. I think that Taylor guy will be fine as long as he keeps his shirt off, and everyone from True Blood seems to be coming along okay — however, I suggest a few of them spring for a dialect coach. I know The CW also has a vampire show, so as long as that network continues to bring back the original stars from old nighttime soap operas like Melrose Place, I’d say these Vampire Diaries kids have a future. If not, then they’ll always have the option of a reality show on E!
I worry more about the younger girls that are ”Twihard” fans. For the record, I did not come up with that name, nor do I feel good about the fact that I just used it. I don’t know if the Twilight stars are very good role models. They always look exhausted, and none of them seem to be very happy about being famous. Although I sympathize with anybody who is forced to stay up all night and is deathly allergic to the sunlight, I would think the $12 million paycheck they’re supposedly getting could boost their spirits. I also don’t know if girls should be aiming to find a guy who only wants to suck on their neck. That usually results in a hickey, and the only way to cover one up is with a turtleneck, which I don’t recommend under any circumstances, including the Olympics. The closest I’ve ever come to having a thing for a vampire was my obsession in middle school with Grandpa Munster. Not from the TV show, my friend Lisa Munster’s grandfather.