I learn so many things from reality TV. Thanks to the promo for ABC’s upcoming series Find My Family, which aired during last night’s Dancing With the Stars, I now know you can only find your family on a scenic hilltop with a beautiful lone tree. Who needs Kathy Griffin’s dance show when there are people who need to find their birth parents on camera? It turns out Find My Family is already a hit in a bunch of English-speaking countries, and has been operating an international people-finding organization as powerful as the U.N. for over 20 years. According to this international promo, “It’s safe to say that if Find My Family can’t find a lost person, they’ve probably vanished from the face of the earth.” Whoa!

I realize these are very sensitive issues and am often drawn to shows I know will make me cry, but after watching that promo Find My Family strikes me as too deliberately schmaltzy. Tell me: Is this really happening? Is Find My Family going to be popular in the U.S.? Please just lie and tell me no.