The 10 hottest topics for the week of November 13, 2009

1. After missing Swiss concert due to illness, Nick Jonas can’t wait to rock Bilbao
Shh! He thinks ”Bilbao” is somewhere in Middle-earth, and he’ll be performing for hobbits and elves. He’s still fragile, so let’s keep quiet about it.

2. John Mayer tweets about Britney Spears’ lip-synch scandal in Australia
I can’t describe my relief. It’s as if a North Korean nuclear crisis were unfolding, and Jimmy Carter just rolled in.

3. Duran Duran’s John Taylor worries that Twitter-style communication is ”diluting” singers’ ”creative powers”
Clearly Taylor doesn’t follow @johncmayer.

4. Parents Television Council denounces Gossip Girl‘s ”threesome episode”
”We never thought we’d get this opportunity,” said a spokesperson. ”By next year, we hope to be denouncing foursomes, or even moresomes.”

5. Media coins ”Tay-squared” in anticipation of a Lautner-Swift romance
Glad to see the mathematicians who created the stock-market bubble have landed on their feet in this exciting new field.

6. Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis convicted of tax evasion
The investigation went smoothly after authorities discovered that the password to Francis’ Swiss bank account was simply ”boobs.”

7. A Twitter feed called ”S— My Dad Says” is being developed for CBS
Yep, that’ll just about do it for television, I think.

8. Sean Hannity comforts disgraced ex-Miss California Carrie Prejean about her sex tape
”Where can I find this tape?” Hannity asked repeatedly, quickly adding, ”So I can destroy it!”

9. Russell Brand meets Katy Perry at London airport, carries her bags
I don’t understand this behavior. I can only conclude that those bags contain three girls apiece.

10. Disney is rebranding Mickey Mouse as edgier, darker
Aha! That explains the ”leaked” ”homemade” tape of him and Daisy Duck cavorting on a boat in the Seychelles.