Melrose Place
Credit: Patrick Wymore/The CW

You know you’re boring when the only reason people notice you’re not around is a full-fledged LAPD manhunt. Yes, Auggie fled town after his tryst with Violet (understandable — I’m still trying to get rid of the mental picture myself), off to Mexico to go “surfing.” Who did they get to fill in chopping the thyme at Coal!?

The knife the cops dug up last week was the weapon used to murder Sydney and it turned out to have Auggie’s blood on it. So a ridiculously large group of cops (and did I hear a helicopter?) swarmed Melrose to find him. Here’s a tip: go to Mexico and look for the guy with a surfboard and wooden facial expressions.

Despite Jonah’s shock at the news, Riley of course defended her BFF. But she started to get her doubts when Auggie told her on IM that he was struggling, prompting her to tip off the police.

In addition to that murderer-living-among-them business, the Jonah-Riley household was still fraught because of all that kissy stuff from last week. They fretted about not getting along despite being engaged – Jonah wanted some time alone to go to Joshua Tree and Riley wanted some quality couple time. When Ella called with a work emergency, Jonah jumped at the chance to get out of the apartment.

Ella needed her on-call fanboy to impress a potential new client, German auteur Franz Keppler. The director took a creepy fancy to her, though, and Jonah stopped his Fritz Lang references long enough to pretend to be Ella’s fiance – he later tells her, “I had to come up with something to keep Franz from slipping you the weinerschnitzel before salad was served.” Enough with the German jokes, that British actor’s accent was worse than Ella’s auf Wiedersehen!

Ella had another meal in mind, though. After a few glasses of pinot grigio at lunch, she dug into Jonah about his Riley troubles and suggested they nip off for a little afternoon delight at a nearby hotel so he could “explore some other options.” She even seemed genuinely gushing when she talked about how extraordinary Jonah is, and how Riley is “painfully normal.” He turned her down, rather harshly, and you could see the heart under Ella’s tough veneer for the first time.

We all know The Bitch is back next week –Amanda Woodward (Heather Locklear) will be working with Ella – but this episode’s de-bitching of Ella will help humanize her before any future showdowns with Amanda.

Speaking of showdowns, Violet was called to court for resisting arrest, so she stopped by Dr. Michael Mancini’s office to do her famous creepy eyed intense glare. “Either get me a lawyer or I get you divorced,” she said, threatening to share their sex tape with Michael’s wife. Michael got ballsy and decided to confront her later, threatening to tell the judge that she’s “a sick and twisted menace to society that should be locked up.” I’ll sign that petition.

Violet also overshared with Riley, talking about that Auggie hook-up. “Auggie and I have become, well, intimate,” Violet said, and I empathized with Riley as she tried not to upchuck her Lucky Charms. Violet later stalked Auggie by phone: “It’s been 24 hours since we last saw each other, but I miss you.” Hello, girlfriend, he’s a) gone to a different country the minute you became “intimate” and b) is wanted for murder. Time to take the hint and re-read that copy of He’s Just Not That Into You.

Lauren had the opposite problem with David finally making it clear that he’s very into her – what’s a callgirl to do with solid boyfriend material? These two had a heart to heart about him giving up his thieving, and they shared an electric kiss before she had a flash of her sideline career and told him she couldn’t “do this.” I don’t think she’ll be able to deny him too long (that tear looked genuine), and they definitely make a fun and sexy couple. And shouldn’t she have done enough “business” soon to trade in the La Perla for scrubs permanently?

Best line of the night: Ella, to Jonah and Franz: “Okay boys, let’s relax our trousers and get down to business.”

What did you think of this episode? Want to see more of Lauren and David together? Did you feel sorry for Ella rebuffed by Jonah? How excited are you for Amanda’s return next week?

Photo Credit: Patrick Wymore/The CW

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