October 30, 2009 at 04:00 AM EDT

”Here’s a lesson for all you kids out there: Wear a helmet, even though it makes you look like a dork. I know, you’re like, ‘Cool kids don’t wear them.’ That’s because they’re not clumsy.” —? Daniel Tosh on Tosh O ”He’s snaking a lady’s drain, okay? And yes, I realize how that sounded. Get your minds out of the gutter.” — Susan (Teri Hatcher), after her husband Mike runs off, on Desperate Housewives ”A book hasn’t caused me this much trouble since Where’s Waldo went to that barber-pole factory” — Tracy (Tracy Morgan), angry about how Liz’s relationship-advice book is making his wife mad, on 30 Rock ”He has literally everything you don’t have. A job, a car, a steady income, an address, a second pair of shoes, table manners, the ability to say ‘tampon’ without giggling…” — Ann (Rashida Jones), explaining to her ex Andy why she prefers her new boyfriend, on Parks and Recreation

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