1. Paris Hilton buys a $4,500 ”teacup pig”
She’s building a tiny ark, and two of every very small animal are welcome, provided they are wearing something chic.
2. Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner are reportedly an item
It’s so adorable: They met while Googling themselves.
3. Jon Gosselin: ”Everyone in my life is Jewish now! I love it. I’m now half Jewish and half Korean”
Excellent. That means the guilt should kick in soon.
4. Great white shark spotted near a surf spot frequented by Matthew McConaughey, Orlando Bloom, Cameron Diaz, and Adam Sandler
Imagine how many bad romantic dramedies that shark could prevent in one ravenous afternoon.
5. Robert Pattinson: ”I still can’t get a date”
No, see, I think you can. In fact, I think self-deprecation is how you get dates. That, and those #@!*ing Lockheed Martin-designed cheekbones.
6. Sandra Bullock is sick of society’s arbitrary rules
”Like, why did Miss Congeniality do so well — but Miss Congeniality 2 bombed? Those two movies were equally mediocre, dammit!”
7. Lorenzo Lamas’ ex-wife says her sex tape was leaked without her knowledge
Meanwhile, Lamas himself continues to claim every movie he has ever made was leaked without his knowledge — except Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, of which he is ”very proud.”
8. Playboy features Marge Simpson on cover
Well, this has midlife crisis written all over it.
9. Tinker Bell gets her first makeover in 50 years
Uh-oh. I see a Playboy cover a-brewin’.
10. Carly Simon sues Starbucks, her erstwhile label, for allegedly screwing up the rollout of her latest album
”You need to make this right,” Simon told the chain. ”Or my next song might be a withering condemnation of a certain unnamed entity known for making coffee. Might be you. Might be Warren Beatty.”