Jake is the new Bachelor. What, was a box of rocks not available?
The day we’ve all been dreading has arrived, Bachelor fans. The wise folks over at ABC’s hit fauxmance factory have seen fit to choose Jake, the exceptionally bland pilot from Dallas who defended Jillian’s honor from Wes’ cheatin’ heart last season on The Bachelorette, as the new Bachelor. I think my reaction to this news can best be summed up in one word: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Look, it’s not like previous Bachelors (with the possible exception of Bob) were bursting with personality, but Jake takes vapid to a new, almost creepy level. (See: falling into stalker-level love with Jillian after one cowboy-themed date at an empty honky-tonk bar.) Remember that scene in Coming to America where Eddie Murphy meets his arranged bride-to-be, and when he asks her what her favorite food is, she says, “Whatever food you like”? Well, Jake makes that lady look like a dynamic life partner. Never mind that the producers had two perfectly solid options in jilted Bachelorette suitors Reid (that lovable neurotic germaphobe) or Kiptyn (less lovable, but at least he isn’t Jake), but no, they had to go with the guy who looks most like a Ken doll, and who—let’s face it—is going to be easiest to manipulate. Okay, PopWatchers, I need to know what you think. Will you be watching The Bachelor: Robot Pilot Seeks Mate when it premieres in January? Or does the prospect of watching Jake’s crushingly boring style of courtship for 13 weeks make you want to weep tears of silent misery?