The 10 hottest topics for the week of October 9, 2009

1. Katy Perry does the walk of shame from Russell Brand’s London house
Did she follow the Jimmy Choo grooves in the sidewalk? Otherwise, it’s easy to get lost, and you might end up at Rhys Ifans’ house instead of the Tube.

2. Matt LeBlanc is making his comeback playing ”Matt LeBlanc” on British TV
It’s part of a faded-celebrity exchange program. They’re sending us Tony Blair.

3. Mariah Carey: ”I like going out in a semi-disguise. The other night, I went out wearing all Nick’s clothes”
So when I saw those two Nick Cannons making out, I wasn’t having a nightmare?

4. Revolutionary Road director Sam Mendes is making a Willy Wonka stage musical
It’ll mostly be Wonka and Slugworth screaming at each other in the Chocolate Factory kitchen.

5. Pregnant Padma Lakshmi butters her belly to combat itching
She just ruined butter and babies for me. I mean, I love both. But together? Seems too rich.

6. After seeing Cirque du Soleil’s Love with non-boyfriend Nick Lachey, Vanessa Minnillo tells the cast that seeing the show made her fall back in love
It’s always a special moment in a relationship when you confess your love to a group of anorexic acrobats.

7. Levi Johnston stars in commercial for Wonderful Pistachios
Excellent choice. He’s far more virile than that foppish Mr. Peanut.

8. Heidi Klum petitions to change her last name to Samuel, Seal’s surname
His name is Seal Samuel? Really? Sounds like some marine-mammalian accountant.

9. James Franco joins General Hospital, calls it ”performance art”
It’s a stylistic break with traditional soap opera actors, most of whom approach a role by using the time-honored acting theory known as ”I get to eat this week.”

10. Lindsay Lohan’s fashion line characterized by hearts, pasties, bad reviews
Sounds like all my college relationships.