TV's funniest lines from September 14 to September 20, 2009

”And this isn’t the school paper, by the way. This is a real damn paper. There’s a Marmaduke in there.” — Shirley (Yvette Nicole Brown), excited that her protest made it into the newspaper, on Community

”I grew up with an older brother and a very contentious twin sister, and I believe I could easily best you at any physical confrontation, be it noogies, swirlies, or the classic ‘Why Are You Hitting Yourself?”’ — Sheldon (Jim Parsons), after being physically threatened, on The Big Bang Theory

”Five dollars? For a Jeremy Piven movie? You should be paying me.” — Christine (Julia Louis-Dreyfus), when she’s charged for in-flight-entertainment headphones, on The New Adventures of Old Christine

”You haven’t seen me naked. My stomach looks like Spanish stucco and my breasts resemble two balloons you find behind the couch a week after the party.” — Lynette (Felicity Huffman) on Desperate Housewives

”If you’re lying to me right now, Pam, your baby is gonna come out a liar. That’s how it works. They inherit things through the breast milk.” — Michael (Steve Carell), trying to get Pam to come clean, on The Office