TV's funniest lines from September 7 to September 13, 2009

”I watch movies for a living, so to me, the three stages of womanhood are: Meg Ryan in Sleepless in Seattle, Meg Ryan in You’ve Got Mail, and Meg Ryan in the grocery store, saying, ‘No, really, I am Meg Ryan.”’ — Billie (Jenna Elfman) on Accidentally on Purpose

”As [Tony] Danza said in a statement, ‘I have always wanted to teach, so this is a gift for me.’ And that’s what your child’s education should be: a gift for Tony Danza.” — Stephen Colbert, on Danza teaching 10th grade for a new reality show, on The Colbert Report

”Give me the weekend, and I promise I will bring a client into this firm that is bigger than Zach Quinto’s eyebrows.” — Ella (Katie Cassidy), convincing her new boss that she shouldn’t be fired, on Melrose Place

”At the Emmys, the best-comedy award went to 30 Rock and the best-drama award went to Mad Men. So it was a great night for three square blocks of Manhattan.” — Conan O’Brien on The Tonight Show

”But that’s life: One minute, you’re on top of the world, the next minute, some secretary’s running you over with a lawn mower.” — Joan (Christina Hendricks), after her new boss’ foot gets mutilated by a John Deere in the office, on Mad Men