The 10 hottest topics for the week of September 25, 2009

1. Suri Cruise is spotted wearing high heels
God, what were they thinking? I mean, what kind of parenting is this? For Pete’s sake: She’s making Tom look short!

2. Kelly Clarkson says she’s a fan of her butt
Her butt kept sending ”Become a Fan” notifications on Facebook. She finally gave in and clicked, just to make it go away.

3. Dancing With the Stars hoofers and ex-couple Maksim and Karina spar backstage at Emmys
They’re the Jon and Kate of the ”Who’s spanglier?” debate.

4. Martha Stewart’s daughter debuts second season of the show where she watches Martha Stewart Living and makes fun of it
I host a very similar show every day in my apartment. Is somebody actually filming hers?

5. Courtney Love reportedly flies into rage after being disturbed in the bathroom by a lost pharmacist
Weird. That’s usually a place where rock stars are happy to run into a ”pharmacist.”

6. Seacrest says Ellen ”will change the sexual tension” on American Idol
”Change”? The last time I felt sexual tension on Idol, it was between Justin Guarini and a Ford Focus.

7. Brad Pitt grows gray goatee
Its name is ”Gandalf.” One day, Pitt predicts, it will disappear and be reborn as ”Gandalf the White.”

8. Gubernatorial call girl Ashley Dupré is invited to Tommy Hilfiger party by Russell Simmons, then disinvited by Tommy Hilfiger
Then reinvited by Eric Dane and Rebecca Gayheart.

9. Gossip Girl‘s Penn Badgley mocked for walking his girlfriend to the ladies’ room
In his defense, Badgley has been abandoned by a lot of women who were ”just going to the ladies’ room.”

10. David Caruso’s ex-girlfriend drops her $1.2 million lawsuit
In a prepared statement, Caruso dramatically removed his sunglasses and quipped, ”Looks like this suit…has been taken to the cleaners.”