A former adviser of the late Michael Jackson has published a new book about how the pop star feared old age and appeared to be abusing drugs and cosmetic surgery nearly a decade before his death, according to the AP. The Michael Jackson Tapes by Rabbi Shmuley Boteach was based on 30 hours of taped interviews and reportedly firsthand detail about the performer’s obsessions. “I don’t want to be seen now,” Jackson confessed. “Because I am like a lizard. It is horrible.”

Jackson died June 25 at age 50. His death is being treated as a homicide. Boteach is an orthodox Jewish rabbi who has written self-help books. He was introduced to Jackson in 1999.