Credit: Lil' Kim: UPI Photo/ Landov; Pink: Kevin Mazur/

Part of getting the respect you deserve at the VMAs involves the careful planning of which type and shape of sequined sheath you’ll want to glue to a small section of your bare left boob. So: Who barely wore it better? As my mother used to say to me and my feuding sister: “Girls. It is not a competition.” But let’s vote anyway! Damn, this is a tough one….

Lil’ Kim Pros: Did it first; excellent purple wig; Diana Ross (!!!) followed through on nation’s basest desire and reached out to swat her boob at the podium. Cons: full-on patterned jumpsuit = blatant eff-you to fashion; subject’s recent association with Dancing With the Stars. (Ha!)

Pink Pros: Zesty diamond-patterned pant leg; mind-blowing mid-performance trapeze routine. Cons: Zen-like composure post-mind-blowing circus feats could foster self-loathing in less-fit voters; in other words: everyone.