The 10 hottest topics for the week of September 11, 2009

By Scott Brown
Updated September 11, 2009 at 04:00 AM EDT

1. Teri Hatcher is training for a triathlon, which is on her bucket list
Hmmm. Has anyone told Teri there’s no ”skydiving strapped to Morgan Freeman” event in a traditional triathlon?

2. Jennifer Aniston blames past relationship failures on ”laziness”
”You don’t know how many relationships I’ve ruined just by sitting on the couch, playing Xbox and screaming for another High Life.”

3. Jon on Kate’s ”verbal abuse”: ”She’ll call me…a ‘lame fish”’
Zing! That particular cliché combination hasn’t been deployed since the Carter administration.

4. Matt Damon says gaining 30 extra pounds was easy and fun
”The secret,” he reveals, ”is eating.”

5. Taylor Swift hopes Craisins and a kitten-adorned get-well card will cure her sniffly backup dancer
Yup. That’s pretty much what’s proposed in the Senate health-care bill.

6. Former Rolling Stone Bill Wyman worries Rock Band will discourage kids from playing real instruments
However, he found the idea of ”fake quitting” a faux band ”intriguing.”

7. Russell Crowe challenges journalist who mocked his fitness regime to a 12-mile bike ride
Russell Crowe versus a journalist? What is this, a shortness-of-breath contest?

8. The first million-dollar winner of Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader? is bankrupt, owes prize to creditors
Even a fifth grader would’ve had the sense to get that million in portable, untraceable puffy stickers.

9. Elijah Wood donates his DNA to charity
Next Christmas, you may notice that all the Salvation Army Santas are identical, tiny, and hobbit-like.

10. Nicolas Cage signs on to star in a movie called The Hungry Rabbit Jumps
Weird name. We prefer the original title: Nicolas Cage Will Star in Anything.