Great quotes from shows like ''Bored to Death,'' ''The Cleveland Show,'' and more

By EW Staff
Updated September 11, 2009 at 04:00 AM EDT

”Good news: no brain injury. We’ve got an A-hole with a concussion.” — Flight medic Rabbit (Cliff Curtis), regarding a particularly feisty car-crash patient, on Trauma

”I guess it turns out they’re not 100 percent effective unless you actually take them out of your purse.” — Billie (Jenna Elfman), reflecting on the shortcomings of condoms, on Accidentally on Purpose

”Don’t be frightened. We mean no harm. We’re truly anguished by the turmoil our arrival has caused.” — Alien queen Anna (Morena Baccarin) on V

”Haven’t you heard of the stages of grief? Anger, anger, anger, anger, candy.” — Sherri (Sherri Shepherd), explaining why she’s taken so long to go on a postdivorce date, on Sherri

”If it wasn’t for me you would still be wearing Juicy sweat suits with French tips and a bad dye job.” — Sydney (Laura Leighton), to Ella (Katie Cassidy), on Melrose Place

”Don’t you dare feel sorry for me. This’ll be you in a few years. Just you wait.” — Sonja (Mischa Barton), to concerned fellow model Raina (Sara Paxton), on The Beautiful Life

”Chicken hands, you gonna stare at my boobs all day, or are you gonna buy something?” — Roxanne (Rebecca Romijn), to a lingering customer, on Eastwick

”I don’t need to talk to anybody about it. You know why? Because I’m on delicious Paxil.” — Veronica (Taylor Schilling), explaining why she won’t talk to a shrink about the Iraq war, on Mercy

”That was the most offensive thing I’ve seen in 20 years of teaching — and that includes an elementary school production of Hair” — Sue Sylvester (Jane Lynch), after a glee-club performance of Salt-N-Pepa’s ”Push It,” on Glee

”Why are people trying to teach me things at a school that has an express tuition aisle?” — Community-college student Jeff (Joel McHale) on Community

”Thank God. I couldn’t take another day of the ’90s. That horrible grunge look did not suit you.” — Vampire Damon (Ian Somerhalder) to his brother, Stefan (Paul Wesley), after Stefan reminds him they haven’t seen each other in 15 years, on The Vampire Diaries

”Give me a break, man. This is my second spaceship, and my first was yesterday.” — Eli Wallace (David Blue) on Stargate Universe

”You know what you should do with your two front teeth? Introduce them.” — Chill (Daryl ”Chill” Mitchell), to his gap-toothed brother Mike (Michael Strahan), on Brothers

”He was just being curious, like I was when I went to that Jimmy Fallon movie.” — Cleveland, discussing his son’s budding interest in girls, on The Cleveland Show

”Men face reality, women don’t. That’s why men need to drink.” — George (Ted Danson), after protégé Jonathan (Jason Schwartzman) asks if he thinks they drink too much, on Bored to Death