The 10 hottest topics for the week of August 28, 2009

By Scott Brown
Updated August 28, 2009 at 04:00 AM EDT

1. Heidi Montag compares herself to Britney Spears, saying, ”I think the world is ready for the next pop star and I’m ready to be the next pop galaxy”
That sounds like a challenge. The kind you send Bruce Willis and a nuclear bomb to defeat.

2. Lindsay Lohan’s home is burglarized
T minus 6 days, 14 hours, 27 minutes to sex tape…

3. Sex and the City author Candace Bushnell rejects the ”cougar” label
She’d rather stick with ”cradle-robbin’ soft-core pornographer and shoe fetishist,” thank you very much. She’s an old-fashioned gal.

4. U.K. suburb bans street musicians for playing Oasis’ ”Wonderwall” poorly and repeatedly
A small victory, to be sure, but we’re now on our way to banning the Gallagher brothers for the same offense.

5. Hulk Hogan now a pitchman for website that ”guarantees” lower property taxes
For a small fee, he’ll drive down your property values by moving his family in next door.

6. Gerard Butler and Jennifer Aniston spotted holding hands
Two people? Holding hands? In an era of nude hot-tub videos? Oh, how very On Golden Pond, y’all.

7. Rep: Anna Paquin is NOT pregnant
”Vampires cannot get humans pregnant,” the rep continued. ”Don’t be stupid.”

8. Jerry O’Connell can’t stop his baby girls from giggling
He should try taking down the framed Body Shots poster in the nursery.

9. Jessica Biel most dangerous celebrity to search for online, in terms of resulting viruses
The safest: Willem Dafoe, who’s so happy to be Googled, he will empty your trash, back up your hard drive, and update your basket-of-kittens wallpaper for you.

10. Reality TV star Brody Jenner gets his appendix removed on his 26th birthday
Congratulations! At 27, can we celebrate by removing the rest?