The departing Fox comedy is eulogized by its characters

By EW Staff
Updated August 28, 2009 at 04:00 AM EDT

After 13 seasons, Hank Hill, his family, and his friends will be firing up their last barbecue in a two-episode series finale on Fox (Sunday, Sept. 13, at 8 p.m.). They’ve taught us so much over the years — the benefits of propane, the secrets to good prop comedy — but the Arlen crowd (and the ‘KOTH’ writers) wanted to leave their fans with some final words of wisdom before they sign off for good. They’ll tell you what…

Yep, it’s been a strange year — it felt like 13 years and 255 adventures. What’s really strange is that I just used the phrase ”adventures.” Now, let me leave you with a bit of advice: If you’ve got a steady job, a family to eat dinner with, and friends to drink beer with, you’re doing pretty good. If you also happen to live in Texas, you’re doing extremely good. In fact, there are only three things you really need to know to have a pretty decent life: ”Don’t Mess With Texas,” ”medium rare,” and ”Yes, I am ready for some football.” Also, just because a bathroom door is shut, don’t assume it’ll be locked if someone’s in there. Knock first. Then knock again. Then take a roll of all the people in the house. If everyone in the house is accounted for, turn the knob gently, announcing all of this as you go. This should keep anything embarrassing from happening. And if you’re the father of a son and you think he ain’t right, don’t give up on him. He may surprise you. Thanks for watching. We’ll see you in reruns!

It is important to always be well-informed so that you can explain to people why they are wrong. And I have a message for all the young girls out there with size 16 feet: Stand proud, but wear thick sweat socks to make your feet look a little smaller. And you can’t judge a woman’s beauty by the size of her feet. However, it has been proven that foot size is directly related to IQ size. And for all my español-speaking amigos out there, Alcance para las estrellas, no esté asustado a la cacerola que friíe mucho mucho fríe! (TRANSLATION: Reach for the stars! And don’t be afraid to frying pan! Much, much frying pan!) And I will leave you with this: Life is a lot like Frito pie. Better when shared with friends, and best with twice the cheese.

Football and propane are what make America tick. Oh, really, my dad won’t be reading this? Then, I dance with troll dolls and I love it! Athletic ability goes away, but funny is forever! And life is like a chocolate sundae. It is covered in chocolate sauce and has whipped cream on it and sometimes crushed peanuts. One time it had pineapple sauce on it, which was gross, but that’s life!

We’re not going to part ways so easily, my friends. You’ve not seen the last of me. Not that you ever saw me. I’ve said too much. You might be interested to know that I’ve had my features surgically altered so that I can move among you freely, without detection. Remember that guy at the watercooler last week who spoke so eloquently about how Family Guy has been running out of steam lately? Well, I was the person standing next to him. Sh-shah!

Oh, God…another relationship coming to an end? If you ever decide to take me back, my answer is always yes. Please, I’ll do anything you want! There’s no reason for us to say goodbye, we can all still keep in touch! I’m going to start a blog, and tweeting on the Twitter, and everything! Oh, and you can friend me on Facebook, too, if they ever lift the injunction and let me back on the site. But really, I’m excited to be moving on to a new phase of my life… Not really! Please let me stay! Please!

I can’t believe y’all are interested in all of my wisdom! First of all, I have learned that falling in love is easy, but falling in the shower can be deadly. Love your family. I love all my family, and most especially the people in my family that didn’t try to stab other people in my family. Oh, and never leave your cell phone next to your curling iron. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.

So, I guess this is dang ol’ it, man. It’s been one crazy ol’ ride, I tell ya whut…kinda like two dang ol’ talkin’ ’bout two roads diverged in a little ol’ wood, road less traveled by, you know. Talkin’ ’bout… [Sniffles] I tell ya whut, man, how ’bout you go talk to Hank for a minute, dang ol’ got something caught in my eye.