A 60-year-old grandpa who groped the “chest and buttocks” of a Walt Disney World employee dressed as Minnie Mouse has been charged with misdemeanor battery (instead of sexual). There are pics; it did happen. I’m trying to move on, and just one of many reasons I’m a horrible person is that the following news segment from Local 6 Orlando is really helping me out with that.

Field reporter Mike DeForest first perked me up with his sensationalistic delivery of the line, “It happened in the TOON TOWN! area of Disney,” but the riveting performance by the straight-faced prosecutor almost seemed straight out of SNL. It’s a toss-up between “It’s not just a mouse. It’s a person” and his lament-tinged argument that “It’s not okay to go to the diner and pinch a waitress’ butt anymore” for my favorite line of what is sadly not sketch comedy. Minnie and the young woman Behind the Mouse: I am sorry.