TV's funniest lines from August 1 to August 7, 2009


”Raising three kids is a lot for Katherine Jackson — she’s 79 years old. At that age, she should be knitting a blanket — not raising one.” — Jimmy Kimmel on Jimmy Kimmel Live!

”We could cuddle if you like. Just don’t freak out if I look…dead.” — Jessica (Deborah Ann Woll), to Hoyt (Jim Parrack), on True Blood

”Oh my God, I would set you on fire if you were my mother.” — Michael, rebuffing aggressively nurturing Melissa, on The Next Food Network Star

”There’s a new iPhone app called ‘Passion.’ The iPhone rates users on how good they are at sex. This is how it works: If you have your iPhone out during sex — you’re ‘not good’ at it.” — Jimmy Fallon on Late Night

”The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. And his pants. But you go for the stomach first, because that’s what classy women do.” — Bonnie, describing her dating strategy, on More to Love