The bullseye: August 14, 2009
· Nurse Jackie: Adulterer. Pill popper. Foulmouthed. Fabulous.
· Rush Limbaugh loses 90 pounds. Only a couple hundred to go until he disappears altogether!
· The voices behind Futurama return for cartoon’s new episodes.
· Bullseye issues its first-ever formal apology to Jordin Sparks. We were wrong. ”Battlefield” is an awesome song…though we wish Kelly Clarkson were singing it.
· Gwen Stefani: Holy mother of all six-packs
· Ridley Scott’s going to direct a new Alien movie — yay!
· It won’t star Sigourney Weaver — boo!
· Lady Gaga and Beyoncé nab most of the MTV Video Music Award nominations. Surprisingly, neither is recognized for the way she rocks a leotard.
· Joan Rivers, drag queen, Joan Rivers, and Joan Rivers
· Courteney Cox is starring on Cougar Town; Jennifer Aniston will star in Pumas. Lisa Kudrow, somewhere out there a script called Cheetahs has your name on it.
· Bullseye issues its second-ever formal apology to Jordin Sparks.
· Not being able to stop talking like Dug the dog from Up even though that movie came out, like, a year ago
· Heidi Montag releases workout plan. Step 1: Look in the yellow pages under ”plastic surgeon.”
· Eminem, Mariah feud: Jimmy Carter, where are your mediation skills when we need them most?
· Tracey, did you forget to change out of your bathrobe this morning?
· Ciara and Ginnifer Goodwin: Hollywood’s obsession with boy haircuts on girls
· Ryan O’Neal admits he hit on his own daughter. At Farrah’s funeral. Miss Manners is speechless.