By Mandi Bierly
Updated July 29, 2009 at 05:35 PM EDT

WatchingThe Colony, the new Discovery show from Deadliest Catchs Thom Beers in which 10 strangers will survive for 10 weeks in a post-catastrophe Los Angeles, you realize what it’s like to feel terrified and useless. Or, at least I do. I just sit there asking myself questions, like:

• Can you imagine if this show had been on Fox instead of Discovery? Gone would be the people with actual skills (engineers, a doctor, an ER nurse, a contractor ex-con, etc.), and in would come the contestants from Paradise Hotel (which, full disclosure, I was also once obsessed with).

• What exactly would I bring to the table? It’s kinda sad when you realize that there isn’t a spot for “conversationalist” in the Sanctuary, the abandoned factory the volunteers are squatting in, because the shows’ experts know you wouldn’t have made it through the apocalypse. Had I somehow survived and convinced the survivors to open their doors by yelling “I’m on the show, too!“, I’m pretty sure I’d become a mascot to either Vladimir or John when I wasn’t taking a self-defense class from Leilani. Vlad has a little Colonel Trautman (First Blood) in him, which I respond to; John seems patient enough to listen to me ramble on about how I thinkI’m attracted to Joey because he looks like the badass cousin of Greatest American Dog winner Travis — once he’s done converting wood to fuel and I’m finished with pantry inventory and the laundry.

• How do some people (Leilani) know how to make cheese? (And what are they going to feed those goats?)

• Why are they so determined to leave Sanctuary? Seems to me you’d be safer in the factory than in the proposed “battle wagon,” which could break down or be easily surrounded by the marauders.

• So the Discovery-cast marauders know they can’t physically harm the volunteers, but what’s to stop a scared, sleep-deprived volunteer from taking a swing at a marauder? And am I a bad person for wanting to see that happen at least once?

What are your thoughts on The Colony? Would you have survived?