The 10 hottest topics for the week of July 31, 2009

By Scott Brown
Updated July 24, 2009 at 04:00 AM EDT

Scott Brown’s Hit List

1. Lady Gaga gives interview to German TV in outfit made entirely from Kermit the Frog dolls
Outside the studio, she was kneecapped by a short blond assailant identified only by her cry of ”Hiiii-ya!”

2. Lindsay Lohan brandishes a squirt gun at paparazzi
Then she realized she had it mixed up: Sunlight kills them. Water makes them multiply!

3. While promoting The Ugly Truth, Katherine Heigl and Gerard Butler are evacuated from their hotel because of a bomb threat Everybody’s a critic.

4. Because of pay dispute with Fox, Futurama may return with different voices
And they’ll all sound a bit like Rupert Murdoch.

5. Valerie Bertinelli after running half-marathon: ”I can’t believe what a body can do if you believe in it”
Y’know, Andrew McCarthy said the same thing after wrapping Weekend at Bernie’s II.

6. Shaq to star in new reality show
How he scored this gig without releasing a sex tape we’ll never know.

7. John McCain settles with Jackson Browne over unauthorized use of ”Running on Empty” during presidential bid
Given the general haplessness of the campaign, he sorta figured anything off the Forrest Gump soundtrack was fair game.

8. Mario Batali will play restaurant owner in upcoming dark comedy
The catch is, they want him down to Flay-weight by the time shooting starts. No more drawn-on abs.

9. Burn Notice‘s Jeffrey Donovan allegedly tells arresting officer in Miami Beach: ”The only mistake I made tonight was drinking Benadryl with three glasses of wine”
He needs to move to L.A., where that’s not considered a mistake so much as a lifestyle choice.

10. Nicolas Cage on voicing a talking mole in G-FORCE: ”Any chance I can get to make a movie that the whole family can enjoy, I’m going to take it”
That sounds like a threat.