June 24, 2009 at 05:37 PM EDT

Andy Cohen, how do I get your job? I’m guessing you have a nifty clothing budget AND you got to gab with the girls for eight (8?!) hours in an undisclosed location by the railroad tracks. The set of the reunion looked like a cast-off from the Today show’s redesign, with a hurtful blue backdrop and six bad Trading Spaces chandeliers and some mums draped over the coffee table. Andy told Dina and Danielle they looked great, cattily noting Danielle’s Mink Stole-like extensions. (What about props for Caroline and her hot pink number?) In the end the emotional climax of the show was not Teresa tossing a white leather chair or Danielle’s dramatic reveal that her mysterious phone sex partner has a tell-all book coming out that is all lies, lies, LIES. Instead, it was Caroline defending her father-in-law’s honor and recounting the story of a birthday cake engagement ring. 


The reunion was perfectly fine, a let-down of course after the high drama of the season finale. Thank God for Part 2, because I still need closure on a number of issues. How did the family tensions heal? Jacqueline rubbed her ready-to-burst belly in between Dina and Caroline. The sister-in-law had been welcomed back into the fold apparently, though we never really got to hear the source of tension that led Jacqueline to wave her finger at Dina and squeal “You are such a liar!” Judging from a quick story about past tiffs, I’m guessing these women know their way around restaurant wars. Caroline, who had a hard time letting Jacqueline finish a sentence, swore that she’s not the boss of her sister-in-law and that when they tussle it’s an even match. Jacqueline jumped in and gigglingly told a telling story of how she threw a punch at Caroline after being told that she should never expect her husband to stay home and watch the baby for an afternoon. (I woulda backhanded the bitch too.) Caroline and Dina are old school Italian women, and would make for exhausting, overwhelming family matters. All was forgiven though when Jacqueline started crying, fingers to the bridge of her nose just like in the show, after watching the wrenching clip where she discusses her miscarriages. Both Caroline and Dina looked on the verge of tears themselves and started bleating out “your makeup! happy ending!” while pushing Kleenex (from a box that perfectly matched Caroline’s dress) at her. Good women, all of them.

But I’m still in the dark as to what exactly turned Jacqueline against Dina, and the extent of Danielle’s role in the rift, and how Jacqueline feels about Danielle today. The air seemed frosty between the friends, but Andy has yet to probe. Get in there Andy—but promise not to ask “So what is the story behind y’alls?” Y’alls, Andy? No.

But he handled the question over that nasty little “figure of speech” Joe threw around with abandon at the dance studio admirably. Teresa blamed the whole situation on Danielle and her need to create drama. “Everyone in Jersey says ‘You’re so gay.’ It’s like, get over it,” she said. Caroline and Dina were wincing on the other sofa, seemingly aware that Teresa wasn’t pleading Joe’s case well. “He was 12 at that moment,” said Caroline, reminding Andy that she had a gay brother with whom Joe has always been close. Andy finally jumped in and reasonably told Teresa that as a gay man, he found Joe’s language offensive. Teresa kind of rolled her eyes, and half-heartedly apologized on behalf of her husband.

In other Teresa news, she hates people who don’t wash their kitchen floors every day, she values clenzyness above all else, and she has modern 2000 big hair. Also, Dina’s lips are real yo, so suck on that Danielle. Speaking of, Danielle has a wonky left boob that doesn’t sit in its pocket (ewwww!) and I couldn’t stop staring at it the whole show. And Caroline, who I love, and will always love, despite her backwards nuttiness, reminded viewers that strip clubs are not illegal. She may or may not have been joking when she said she looked at her newborn son and saw a topless impresario in the making.

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, let’s get to the good stuff on Thursday. Danielle had a serious cocaine problem and was a paid escort! And Caroline cannot forgive her for something, something real bad!

What did you Jersey fans think? Were you hoping for more drama? Did the set scare you? Did your opinions of any of the ladies change after watching their rehash? Speak to me!

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