The 10 hottest topics for the week of June 19, 2009

By Scott Brown
Updated June 19, 2009 at 04:00 AM EDT

Scott Brown’s Hit List

1. Simon Cowell takes Ryan Seacrest to British strip club
The next day, they woke up in a hotel room — Seacrest had a tooth missing, Simon had stolen a tiger, and they’d lost Paula Abdul entirely.

2. Mel Gibson helps girlfriend Oksana write her new single, ”Say My Name”
Ah. That explains the Aramaic.

3. Hef says he can’t tell his twin girlfriends apart
He threw away the serial numbers with the packaging a long time ago.

4. Jack Nicholson to Michael Douglas: ”I’ve had so many of my high moments and so many of my fine moments with you”
”Moments so fine and so high, in fact,” he added, ”that I can’t quite remember your name. You’re Peter Fonda, right?”

5. Roy Rogers film trilogy planned
The second film will be really dark: Gene Autry cuts off Roy’s gun hand and tells him he’s his father. Then sings.

6. Nia Vardalos on Hollywood’s double standard: ”Russell Crowe is fat, and no one ever talks about it”
But Nia, we in the press like him fat. It slows him down and impairs his aim.

7. Jessica Alba won’t be prosecuted for vandalism after putting save-the-sharks posters all over Oklahoma City
Instead, the actress will be gently informed that a shark hasn’t died in Oklahoma since the Pleistocene.

8. Fergie on the bedroom she shares with husband Josh Duhamel: ”I’ve got a big chest of fun little numbers”
I knew it! They’re secret mathematicians!

9. Fellow reality star Rev Run counsels Jon and Kate on how to keep a reality-show marriage together
The secret, it seems, is keeping your ratings low so no one cares if you break up.

10. Shia LaBeouf thinks his sense of humor comes from ”seeing my parents have sex”
Imagine how much better these jokes would be if I’d just watched my parents have sex.