June 11, 2009 at 12:00 PM EDT

Some gossip queen associated with Vera Wang let it slip that the designer has signed on for Dancing With the Stars‘ season 9 (yes, really) cast. Neither ABC nor Wang’s camp are commenting, but if it is true, I can’t wait to hear what Vera has to say about the show’s ridiculous costumes. I fear she might quit after realizing you’re required to wear 27 layers of makeup on show nights. Meanwhile, I’ve put on my feathered DWTS Thinking Cap. Brace yourselves for…


The Enormous Athlete: Michael Jordan. To be partnered with tall new pro Anna Demidova. Duh. I could wear a different XXXXL early ’90s Chicago Bulls tee for each episode. Because that’s what watching this show is all about. What I’m wearing.

The Cutie Pie Olympian: Matthew Mitcham. I don’t care if he’s Australian. If Australia doesn’t want him on its own DWTS, we’ll take him here. (And this way, the Olympian won’t win!)

The Woman of a Certain Age: Jessica Walter. They could play “Misty” for her, and TV’s Lucille Bluth could tell her partner, “I don’t understand the steps, and I won’t perform them.”

The Old Guy: Richard Jenkins. He almost won an Oscar! Crappy reality TV should clearly be his next move.

The Comedian: Neil Flynn, the janitor from Scrubs. So charming in person, and his deadpan delivery would kill in such a ridiculous setting.

The Actor Who Isn’t Doing Much These Days: Danica McKellar, a.k.a. The Wonder Years‘ Winnie Cooper. Her brief West Wing run wasn’t nearly enough.

The Diva: Annie Lennox. Just because I love her and she’d never do it. Or Vanity! What Would Jesus Do? Put on something sequined. Oh yes He would.

And just for the hell of it: Daphne Zuniga, Emmanuel Lewis, Bruce Jenner or any of the featured players on menwholooklikeoldlesbians.blogspot.com, and any of the Designing Women, including Meshach Taylor.

What about you, DANCMSTRs — who would be in your ultimate cast?

addCredit(“Wang: Janet Mayer/PR Photos ; Lennox: Albert L. Ortega/PR Photos”)

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