By Ken Tucker
Updated June 03, 2009 at 05:37 AM EDT

Only the second night in Costa Rica for those of us at home, and already I feel as though there may be a few tiny neurons of brilliance in the creepy, amoral slosh that is Spencer Pratt’s brain. All Tuesday he had the entertainment media fielding bulletins and rumors: Spencer and Heidi had quit! Holly Montag and Daniel Baldwin were going in to replace them! Then: No! They’ve decided to stay! Stay and make us hate them, for that is Spencer’s “strategy” to win I’m A Celebrity: he’ll win money for charity by being evil while praying like a devout Christian. If he can keep this up, Spencer will single-handedly raise this listless reality game-show to legendary-crap status.

By the end of tonight’s episode, H&S had yelled, “I’m a celebrity, get me out of here!” for something like the tenth time, and we saw them climb into a car bellowing to return “to the Hills!” They effectively highjacked the entire hour from the rest of a barely-celeb celebrities. Who cared about the vote to save one of the women from this week’s eviction? (For the record, it was Patti Blagojevich, who didn’t seem to care much, either.)

The only vaguely entertaining moments occurred when Spencer expressed a desire to be baptized. He was impressed by the conversion experience of Stephen Baldwin, who described himself as a “non-denominational, born-again… charismatic Christian.” Sayeth Spencer in awe: “That is so me in two years!”

Baldwin performed a jungle baptism while Janice Dickinson said, “You’re hurting the religion… I didn’t come here to be on Holy Rollers, Get Me Out Of Here!” And once again, I say unto you, when Janice Dickinson is the voice of reason, you know your TV show is in trouble.

The hour ended with some of the celebs expressing relief that H&S were gone. This “live” portion of the broadcast also consisted of them gawping blankly and yelling, “Are the cameras still on?” “Is that it?”

If you think Heidi and Spencer won’t return, I have a white, buttock-less harness signed “Bruno” to sell you.

Did you watch I’m a Celebrity? If so, do you feel like washing yourself in a nondenominational body of water? Or are you enjoying this cut-rate put-on?