By Annie Barrett
Updated May 22, 2009 at 08:56 PM EDT

My ultimate career goal of seeing my Pillsbury Doughboy fan fiction play out on the big screen just became a lot more realistic: There will be a freaking movie based on inexplicably eye-patched processed food mascot Bazooka Joe. It’s part of Michael Eisner’s plan to prove he’s insane rejuvenate the Topps trading card brand — he purchased the company in 2007. This is so incredibly lame. Even Dr. Dick Solomon isn’t impressed by Bazooka Joe, and he’s normally fascinated by anything.