By Mandi Bierly
Updated May 08, 2009 at 07:18 PM EDT

Let’s not even pretend that we care about the case in last night’s episode. To get to the bottom of what binds Booth and Brennan together as partners, Sweets ordered them to play a game of word association that somehow made Brennan realize she wants to have a baby because it’s Sweeps. It would be selfish of her not to pass on her genes, she said. Throughout the hour, we learned the reasons she wanted Booth to be her sperm donor: To Angela, she acknowledged that it’s because he’s attractive, and attractive people tend to be more successful. To Sweets and Booth, she admitted that it’s because Seeley has courage, compassion, and empathy — traits sperm banks cannot quantify on donor bios. Sweets, bless his heart, tried to get Brennan to see that those reasons for her wanting his (exceptional) swimmers might mean that SHE LOVES HIM, but apparently, no one can speak the word “love” directly to Brennan. (Though props to Angela for flat-out suggesting to Brennan that what makes Booth the perfect donor might also make him the perfect dad.) Brennan can keep dismissing her feelings, but at this point, good friends would be trying to help her along and not just off buying onesies.

I spent most of the episode angry that Seeley was so willing to be her donor when she made it clear that they wouldn’t be raising the child together. (He could maybe babysit when the nanny needed a day off???) “I don’t understand why he’d be protective of his semen,” Brennan said to the team after announcing over a tibia that she’d decided to have a baby (yes, like a small human, Cam). Oh, I don’t know, Brennan: Maybe it’s because he’s Catholic, or because he already has a son that he doesn’t get to see enough of because he’s no longer romantically involved with the mother? But, of course, Booth was just trying to convince himself that he was okay with the arrangement — because he’d do anything to make Brennan happy. After he hallucinated another conversation with Stewie from Family Guy, this time in an interrogation room in front of Brennan, he told her that he could never NOT be a dad to his child — and she told him that he needed to go to the hospital because there’s something seriously wrong with him. Maybe she should have gotten herself checked out, too, since she also saw his dead friend in the graveyard at the end of “The Hero in the Hold”?

Those hospital scenes (embedded above) are the reason we watch this show. I honestly do not understand how some fans are anti-Sweets. Without him, we wouldn’t be able to address (or not address) the Brennan and Booth sexual tension like we do. And come on: You wanted to follow him and give him a hug when he excused himself from the waiting room to go freak out privately because he wasn’t their levelheaded shrink at the moment, he was Booth’s concerned friend and someone facing the possibility of losing a third important person in his life (after his adoptive parents). When Brennan teared up, telling the group that Booth had the kind of brain tumor that is usually benign and “I just want all of you to know, statistically he should be fine,” I wanted to hug her, too. (Thanks, Angela.) Maybe, for the first time, Brennan understood that statistics aren’t comforting when someone you won’t admit you love is involved.

Can we just talk about how heartbreaking it was to watch Booth look around his hospital room as he was being prepped for surgery, clearly searching for Brennan? That seemed to go on forever. Maybe it hit me so hard because I’ve been with someone in a similar situation, and the idea of that person having to sit alone for even a second makes me want to cry. I’m rewatching the scene now and that lost, vulnerable look on David Boreanaz’s face suddenly turning to a smile when he saw her, then reading sad and scared again when her attempt at a grin dropped, just destroyed me all over. I love how Boreanaz played that moment when he willed Brennan with his eyes to ask the surgeon now if she could be in the operating room, where he wanted her because he trusted that she would know if they were screwing up. We all saw the next scene coming, right? Booth asked for a minute alone with Brennan outside the OR and told her that if he didn’t make it, he wants her to have his “stuff” for a baby and that “you’re gonna be a really good mom.” But it didn’t matter: When he reached for her hand as they wheeled him in, I still sighed “Boooooth” aloud.

SPOILER ALERT IF YOU DIDN’T SEE THE PREVIEW FOR NEXT WEEK’S SEASON FINALE: On the one hand, I respect Fox for not pretending that there’s any real danger of Booth dying — unlike when he was shot in last season’s penultimate episode. But I found myself incredibly annoyed by the preview for May 14’s episode, which made it seem like this week’s events never happened. If they really do not address the fact that Booth almost just died and Brennan wanted his “stuff,” I will fly through the screen and slap someone. (I’m thinking Angela or Hodgins, just because I’m over their relationship woes. Am I in the minority there?) Maybe Booth and Brennan end up in bed together because they do actually have a real conversation about the ordeal they just went through, but I bet it’s all a part of an undercover operation. What are you thinking gets them horizontal?

Now come the real questions: Do you want to see Brennan forget about having a baby, or would you like to see her phalanges dancing in nine months? (Who else does “Dancing phalanges! Dancing phalanges!” when they’re riding in the backseat of the car with their niece?) Was Stewie coming on to Booth at the sperm bank? (“I’m good at pretend games…” That crossover wasn’t as painful as I expected. I guess it makes sense that Ally McBeal would see a dancing baby, and Booth would see Stewie.) How awesome was that tub of floating skeleton parts and denture cleaner? (More awesome than the boys’ watermelon test — can we really not give Cam something better to do than to be Gallaghered?) Is there a way for Bones‘ writers to explore the emotions raised in these near-death experiences without bringing the sexual tension to a series-altering boil? (We’ll find out next week.) And are you ready for the return of Zack in the season finale? (I don’t think it was necessary, but here’s hoping I’m proven wrong.)

UPDATE: Your surgery-hallucination theories make total sense. I’m technically on vacation — maybe that’s why I’m slow. Or, maybe I’ve just had enough of Booth’s hallucinations.