By Michael Slezak
Updated May 07, 2009 at 04:56 AM EDT

My stomach is wobblier than a Scott MacIntyre glory note, my palms are sweating so hard that Simon’s “wet” critique of Kris Allen’s Rat Pack performance would probably apply. And it’s not just because I’m worried Kris or maybe Allison Iraheta will walk the Idol plank tonight instead of Danny Gokey, but mainly because I’m going to have to go through 14 different stages of emotional meltdown while simultaneously live-blogging tonight’s American Idol results-show telecast. That’s right, fellow Idoloonies! Join me at 8:58 p.m. EDT, right here in the body of this very PopWatch post you’re reading! I’ll be dishing Paula Abdul’s “vocal” performance, Daughtry’s new single, and the nation’s decision on which three contestants get their big hometown-visit packages next Tuesday night. Will Kris wear a plaid shirt? Will Adam wear leather? What will Kara select for her Embarrassing Gaffe of the Night™? There’ll be laughter, there’ll be tears, and perhaps there’ll even be a guttural animal howl in the end-of-show exit performance. No matter the case, let’s get through it together. [And in the interim, check out my recap of last night’s show: ‘American Idol’: Crime-Scream Investigation. It’s six pages of pure crazy, half of which should’ve been saved for the therapist’s couch, but ah well…the comments section is like a support group anyhow, so that’s how I am choosing to roll!]

8:58: Here’s a thought! If Danny outlasts Allison, Adam, or Kris, maybe we should all take to our windows at 10:00 p.m., Network-style, and let loose with our best imitations of his “Dream On” howl. After all, if that many people voted for him, then clearly they’re jonesing to hear that special brand of wounded animal.

8:59: Questions to consider for tonight’s telecast: Will Randy boo Simon’s intro? (Y.) Will Kara bare her armpits? (Y.) Will at least a third of Paula’s breasts be visible? (Probs def.) Will Simon show up in a tatty undershirt? (Gulp.) What shade of orange will Ryan rock? (Unnatural.) And which will be most annoying? (Randy, obvs.)

9:00: New Idol episode. Same bargain-basement SIMS-people title sequence.

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9:01 Danny: “I have to show people I can handle this.” Um, you’re running out of time, dude! Also…I hated hated hated Simon for that “Why don’t you just beg” comment even more than I hated Kara’s “big O” moment.

9:02: Over sixty million votes…I am too embarrassed to say how many were mine!

9:03 Danny borrowed one of Kris’ plaid shirts! Maybe I shouldn’t have read anything deeper into their awkward duet chemistry last night? Also: Randy “the bomb dot com”? No.

9:04 Who would need more Auto-Tune? Paula or Randy?

9:05 I know we’re in an economic crisis, but this Ford Music Video looks like it was literally made using scissors and paste!

9:06 “School’s Out”? But I wanted some “early” Aerosmith. How much do all these kids love Allison? A lot more than I’m loving this beast of a performance.

9:07: Howl, Danny, howl! No, you are still not Adam.

9:08 Ryan says “Nice one.” I have never believed him less.

9:09 How come Ry’s not gripping Slash’s forearm like he did with Flo Rida’s? I wonder if Slash had a “no grope” clause in his contract.

9:10 Commercial break chant: “Kris, Adam, Alli. Kris, Adam, Alli. Kris, Adam, Alli.” (Feel free to alter it if you must, but I have to report without a filter here from Casa Slezak, fellow Idoloonies!)

9:11 I won’t lie to you! I just cracked open a bottle of Corona. Let’s just hope this episode doesn’t end up with the subtitle Stink-o de Mayo.

9:12 Adam’s shorter hair: Waaaayyyyy more flattering than last night’s front-tail ‘do.

9:13 Kris: “I didn’t expect to make it this far.” Neither did the judges!

9:14: I love that Adam loved his outfit. Love it.

9:15 Revisionist history! The judges did not refuse to let go of the final note! Only Simon made mention of it, Ryan, you little betch! That said, I have to applaud Danny for calling the botched note on “Dream On,” but let’s hope it’s not the start of his movie career.


9:16 MC SKAT CAT! HELLS YEAH. I just wish the package had done a better job of showing today’s youth that Paula’s no one-hit wonder.

9:17 Is there any actual singing goin’ on here? Did anyone expect it? Do we actually care? I’ll say Paula still out-hoofs pop tarts half her age, and sounds 77% less mechanical than Jamie Foxx. And this is kind of a hot-ass song. OMG, is it too late to take that back?

9:18 That tore-up Paula-Simon pic was tore up from the floor up. But darnit, that dancer ripped it like he meant it.

9:19 Come on, vogue. Let your body go with the flow. You. Know. You. Can. Do. It. (Not sing, really, but definitely “it.”)

9:21 Where’d my Corona go? Live-blogging while chair-dancing makes me thirsty, dammit!

9:22 I bet my pal Annie Barrett likes a Blue Bunny Caramel Lovers’ Champ Cone.

9:23 I forgot to mention: Paula literally got flipped up in there! Carrie Ann Inaba would object!

9:25 This vocal is starting out all kinds of Ethel Merman does ska. But everybody’s hair is hella tight. Oh yes, it’s a good hair night on Idol.

9:26 Is it wrong I wish No Doubt was singing “Ex-Girlfriend“? I kinda always knew I’d end up your ex-girlfriend. Whoa-oh. I kinda always knew I’d end up your ex-girlfriend.

9:27 Pushups < Being flipped by your backup dancer. But then again, Gwen actually has to sing.

9:28 No horns were played in the making of this performance. But damn if that dude wasn’t gettin’ down with the git-down.

9:29 I feel good about the lack of Harajuku up in here.

9:29 Ryan does not understand not maximizing the merchandising potential of a world tour. Poor Ryan!

9:31 Day-um! Jessica Alba makes me want to run out and buy some Revlon Double-Twist Mascara.

9:33 More than halfway through — and not a single hint of results. Now I am starting to get my panic on!

9:34 WHOA. 64 million votes. Backstage shot. Backstage shot always seems scarier than onstage shot. AND BLAKE LEWIS SIGHTING!

9:35 Hometown visits package: Where Archuleta says “gosh.” The high schools all look alike. And Elliott’s mom makes me get misty.


9:37 The reviews are in for Allison. I choose only to hear the good parts.

9:38 “Humble Kris.” Way to keep driving home Simon’s “you’re not cocky enough” mantra.

9:39 Kris almost passed the eff out. And I loved how Adam gave him mad hugs. Also: Did I note lack of huggage and only arm grippage with Danny? Scandale? Or lack of time. Now save the rocker(s) and save the season people!

9:40 Seriously, now. This throws a whole wrench or whatever tool into the proceedings. (I’m not very handy around the house.)

9:41 I just processed it: KRIS IS SAFE. OMG. J’AD.

9:43 Please show how Simon dissed Chris Daughtry at his audition. Pretty please. He’s been such a beast this season, he really deserves to have his nose rubbed in Daughtry’s success.

9:45 Wow! This is a higher register than I’m used to from Daughtry. Also: Anyone else a little freaked by the way his earpiece runs together with his facial hair? Okay, Slezak…focus on the music. I’M JUST HERE FOR THE MUSIC. I gotta say, three seasons later, I still love the sound of Chris’s voice. And I’m glad this song has more of a melody than a lot of the singles off his debut album. This will be a hit, as surely as the shape of Chris’ head is perfect.

9:48 My husband just asked: “How weird is it, in light of tonight’s performances, that Paula Abdul once sat in judgment of Chris Daughtry’s vocal performances.

9:49 In the role of sorority chick plucked from the audience to present platinum record to former Idol, it’s…Kris Allen?

9:50 In the voice of Tyra Banks: WHO! Will be eliminated tonight? My gut says Danny. The paranoid voices in my head say Allison.

9:51 Live-blogging is giving me a shoulder-ache. Looks like I can skip the gym for the rest of the week. Yay me!

9:52 Who else loves this “I think you’re the father of one of my kids” Minute Maid ad? Holla!

9:53 Any and all “Bootylicious” references are greatly appreciated. Michelle, can you handle it? I don’t think they can handle it!

9:54 Second person doing the safety dance — in random order — (Allison looks so nervous)…it’s ADAM! Not a surprise. Smart move to announce him next.

9:55 That sound you heard was my heart breaking.

9:56 Oh, Allison…you made it farther, and more fabulously, than I ever thought this damned show would let you. I have to take comfort in that.

9:57 DENIAL: NO! NO! NO!

9:58 ACCEPTANCE: Girl, you sing this shit. Remind America why they got it wrong. Remind the world why we’re all gonna be lining up to buy your record this holiday season. And no, Simon, this is not sound-alike. You suck so hard. Kara, stop clapping like a monkey, you too are culpable. Somehow.


10:00 BARGAINING: Did that really happen? Did Gokey’s primal scream really get him more votes than Allison?

10:00 DEPRESSION: Another Corona, please?

10:01 ANGER: I am going to the window and doing my “Dream On.” Sorry, Jersey City, for what you are about to hear!

10:03 Okay, my husband, bless his rational heart, just reminded me that Daughtry, too, was a fourth-place finisher, and LOOK AT HIM NOW! So I’m gonna go listen to my downloads of “Someone to Watch Over Me,” “Give in to Me,” “Papa Was a Rollin’ Stone,” “Don’t Speak,” and “Hot Stuff,” and try not to cry. There is work to be done, people. And I speak not only of my full TV Watch recap that needs writing, but of the Adam-Kris finale we need to make a reality. Good night and good luck. And thanks for live-blogging with me, you crazy, hysterically funny readers, you. I’m glad I didn’t have to go through this alone.