The Fox News personality talks about his self-titled show

By Dan Snierson
May 01, 2009 at 04:00 AM EDT

Bill O’Reilly and Sean Hannity, watch your Beck! Glenn Beck’s self-titled Fox News program (weekdays at 5 p.m. ET) debuted in January, and it’s already the third-most-watched cable news program. Whether a guest is fainting or Beck is weeping, the polarizing host always makes headlines. (And jokes: The TV and talk-radio star will hit the road this June for his Common Sense Comedy Tour.) Let’s see if we can make him cry with a few Stupid Questions.

Greetings. Should I call you a Republitarian or a Liberpublican?
I would just call me ”King.” Or ”Your Highness.” Or ”Oh Grand Ruler.” Any of those fascistic kind of titles will be fine with me. I have an evil plan that will have me placed at the head of this empire that I’m building within the next three to six weeks, eight at the top.

Let’s talk about the famous April 13 fainting, when a guest passed out while shaking your hand. Were you aware that a mere touch from you could put a man right to sleep?
Usually it’s my voice, my topics, my looks, my general presence. But the handshake? No, I wasn’t. I felt like Spock. It was good.

If you had the opportunity to pass out on somebody else’s program, whose would you pick?
It would be kind of cool to pass out on Letterman, because I have a feeling I’d get halfway through the interview and he’d make me want to. I would be praying for death and just be like, ”Oh, dear God, please let me pass out. It will all be over.” I have a feeling Dave doesn’t like the show.

What are you the host with the most of?
Poundage. Cellulite. Big fat cheeks. Sleepless nights. Tears. I have a deficiency of salt, though, because of all the tears that I shed.

What do I have to say to make you cry?
Try this: ”This interview is going to last three more minutes.”

You’re going on the road this summer to do a comedy show. Gimme your best riff on subprime mortgage debt. I mean, really make me wet my pants.
Well, it’s easy to make you wet your pants talking about subprime mortgages. I just don’t think it’s the way you’re looking for.

Glenn Beck trails only The O’Reilly Factor and Hannity in the cable news ratings. What should you do right now to take both of them down and rocket yourself to No. 1?
I do have a call in to Dick Cheney to take them hunting.

Here’s what Jon Stewart said about you: ”Finally, a guy who says what people who aren’t thinking are thinking.” What do you think he meant by that?
Isn’t it time that those people have a voice? I am their king…

Wait — are you crying now?
I’m getting a little misty from the idea of people who aren’t thinking bowing in front of me. I’ll have to spend a few minutes explaining to them how to bow, but once they catch on, it’s going to be sweet.