By Leah Greenblatt
Updated April 30, 2009 at 10:57 PM EDT
Credit: Catherine Zeta Jones: Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images; Susan Boyle: Zuma Press

In an article seemingly published to celebrate A Cold Day in Crazytown — or simply to send overworked EW reporters on wild goose chases — the London Guardian announced today that a biopic starring Catherine Zeta-Jones and helmed by Titanic director James Cameron was reportedly in the works.

When reached by phone, Kristen Berbae of Cameron’s production company Lightstorm Entertainment had a good, hearty chuckle before telling EW, “That is complete news to us. He’s still busy making [much anticipated sci-fi adventure] Avatar, as far as we know.” Said Zeta-Jones’ rep, CeCe Yorke, “Catherine is a fan of Susan Boyle’s, but there are no plans for her to appear in Ms. Boyle’s biopic.”

Shot-down rumors aside, it does beg the question: who should play Boyle, if not the Oscar-winning Chicago razzmatazzer — maybe Dame Judi Dench (perhaps too old at 64, but so well-preserved!)? The ever-amorphous, accent-nailing Meryl Streep? My vote goes to Harry Potter‘s Imelda Stauton, a generally age-appropriate and wonderfully nuanced actress (see her Academy-nominated turn in the devastating 2004 drama Vera Drake).

But you tell me, PopWatchers, who would best fill Susan’s sensible shoes onscreen? And should Simon play himself?