By Whitney Pastorek
April 24, 2009 at 05:56 AM EDT

I’ve remained pretty aggressively on the sidelines of this whole Susan Boyle phenomenon, but when I learned courtesy of Extra! reporter (and former Simon Cowell spit-sharer) Terri Seymour that Ms. Boyle was just employing her “wicked sense of humor” when she said she’s never been kissed, I was shocked. SHOCKED.

Do you mean to tell me, Susan Boyle (if that is your real name) that not only did you appear on British television and, through a once-in-a-lifetime combination of luck, moxie, and a smattering of above-average vocal talent, force that proud country (nay, the world) to violently alter its belief system w/r/t judging people based solely on appearance, but now you have the audacity to reveal that you are not in fact the virginal spinster you (and the producers of the British television programme) claimed you were, and that you have indeed pressed your lips to those of another? Dear God, woman. Have you no shame?

Think of the children: We’d just now gotten them used to the idea that it was okay to be themselves; that money and beauty aren’t more important than self-respect and determination; that what matters in life is not the desperate quest for power and sex but rather the quiet appreciation of small gifts and blessings; that if you’ve never been kissed it doesn’t mean you’re unworthy of love. And now we have to tell them that you’re basically no better than those hussies on Gossip Girl? How dare you.

And if you lied about that, what else aren’t you telling us? You had a record deal with Def Jam but they dropped you? You’re Piers Morgan’s ex-nanny’s third cousin twice removed? You’re not actually British??? Oh, Susan Boyle. I just don’t know what to believe anymore. PopWatchers, help me. I am adrift. And tonight, I fear the tigers are coming, and their voices won’t be soft as thunder anymore.