The 10 hottest topics for the week of March 30, 2009

Scott Brown’s hit list

1. Miley Cyrus bursts into tears upon winning a Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice award In the cutaway, Meryl Streep tried really hard to look happy for her.

2. Madonna buys land in Malawi to build school Finally, a learning institution where Jean-Paul Gaultier can get tenure.

3. T-Pain knocks out four teeth in freak golf cart accident What an awful moment to lose half the nation’s gold reserves!

4. Ashton Kutcher vlogs his chest waxing We ask for more openness on the bank bailout, and we get more openness from Ashton. It’s a raw deal, but I guess I’ll take it.

5. Cloris Leachman once bet Ed Asner that she would have sex with him ”if he lost 32 pounds” That was how people lost weight in the ’70s. Leachman was known around town as ”NutriSystem.”

6. John Mayer tweets after Jen Aniston breakup: ”This heart didn’t come with instructions” Please, PLEASE don’t let Sting find out about Twitter.

7. Ghostbusters 3 will have both young and old Ghostbusters Though hopefully not the same way Blues Brothers 2000 had both young and old Blues Brothers.

8. Brandon Routh’s role cut from a new Bret Easton Ellis film adaptation Turns out no one wanted to see Superman explore his bisexual-nihilist side. Which, frankly, surprises me.

9. Cash-strapped Willie Aames holds garage sale The former child star is also prepared to sell tantalizing new evidence suggesting that Charles was never in charge and that eight may, in fact, have been way too much.

10. Britney Spears’ dad attempts to shut down major fansite devoted to his daughter He contends that this has nothing to do with the failure of, shuttered last week after a firestorm of disinterest.