By Chris Nashawaty
March 31, 2009 at 10:59 PM EDT

I may be dating myself here, but my childhood was largely wasted watching God-awful variety shows on TV. Back in the second golden age of boob-tube crapola, a.k.a. the late ’70s, everyone from Donny and Marie to the cast of Star Wars had their own small-screen revue. Of course, there were a few quality exceptions like The Carol Burnett Show. But usually these throw-everything-at-the-wall cavalcades were led by B-list dim lights like the Mandrell Sisters and the Hudson Brothers.

Now tonight, we have Osbournes: Reloaded.

Never mind that it’s been four years since the heavy-metal clan’s reality show last aired and Sharon’s been spending her time on skeezy dreck like VH1’s Charm School, while Ozzy — the Prince of Darkness — has been making a mockery of that nickname by shilling for everything from Samsung to World of Warcraft. The Osbournes seem hellbent on clinging with white knuckles to whatever limelight they can still skulk into, milking every last second of their 15 minutes of inexplicable fame. I ask you, do we really want to see them having pie fights, lumbering through skits, and soft-shoeing a song-and-dance medley? Count me out.

addCredit(“Osbournes:Joseph Cultice/Fox; Housewives: Bravo”)

Instead, what I will be watching — what I wouldn’t miss in a million years, actually — is tonight’s installment of The Real Housewives of New York City.If you’ve been tuning in this season, you know that the show hasgraduated from guilty pleasure to must-see TV, what with Ramona’scrazy-eyed hostility, Jill’s lazy day bed-ins, the Countess’ blue-bloodcondescension, and Alex and her husband Simon’s oblivioussocial-climbing.

Well, the teaser at the end of last week’s episode promised someserious fireworks tonight between the over-caffeinated Bethenny andmodel-turned-horsey set gadfly Kelly. From the looks of it, the twohave some sort of mafia sit down and then — whammo! — the cat-fightBotox flies. This promises to be the 21st century version of Ali vs.Frazier. Call it the Rumble in the Urban Jungle. Come to think of it,if the producers of Housewives wanted to set the throwdown to Ozzy Osbourne’s “Crazy Train,” I wouldn’t object in the slightest.

Which are you looking forward to? Osbournes: Reloaded or Real Housewives?