I had read that Robert Pattinson was a cut-up on the Twilight DVD commentary track with director Catherine Hardwicke and costar Kristen Stewart, but I needed to hear it (and 122 minutes of his British accent) for myself. The man’s obsession with Edward’s sculpted eyebrows really is quite entertaining. The highlights:

10:20 “See, that look is a very meaningful look,” he says, laughing, as Edward tries to read Bella’s mind the first time he see her in the cafeteria. Self-deprecating humor, check.

11:00 “I didn’t actually know they were rolling when we were doing this scene,” he says, chuckling (presumably) at how bad his acting is when Edward first gets a whiff of Bella in biology. “…I was just kinda cold.”

15:40 “That was really impressive…,” he says when Stewart’s Bella slips and falls on some ice. “What was impressive?” Stewart asks. “That falling over thing,” he says. You can hear her rolling her eyes. “That’s tough…. Do you just fall on your ass?” “Yeah, I just basically fell down.” (This was funny, because he was actually trying to be serious, I think. It won’t happen again.)

17:00 Pattinson insists we all have to see the audition tape he made of the scene where Edward returns from his hunting trip and finally speaks to Bella in biology. “It’s the funniest thing you’ve ever seen in your entire life.” He says he performed it with a guy, who did a woman’s voice. It’s all very earnest. “Dude, I’m glad you didn’t send that, right?” Hardwicke asks, sounding genuinely concerned that if he had, he wouldn’t have gotten the role. (That’s why he didn’t send it.)

19:22 And the eyebrow obsession begins as the close-ups on Stewart and Pattinson get closer and closer in biology:

Pattinson: We have very similar eyebrows. [Laughs]
Hardwicke: Rob! We had to pluck the heck out of your eyebrows.
Pattinson: S— hurt. Aw, man.

21:19 Pattinson says he never understood the physics of how the van that almost hits Bella spins and then goes straight sideways. “Those of us that are physics majors get it,” Hardwicke says.

22:18 Carlisle’s entrance, swinging through the hospital doors. Pattinson compares it to a J. Lo video. Then realizes he means Beyoncé. “Peter [Facinelli] would be so good at doing that. I want him to do the Beyoncé biopic.” I have no idea what he’s talking about, but I like it when he stumps Hardwicke. This will happen again.

24:30 Bella confronts Edward in the hospital and he tells her what she thinks she saw happen in the parking lot is wrong. “The moral of this scene is never trust a guy who plucks his eyebrows. You know, there’s always something up. Something suspect.”

26:30 Mike asks Bella to the prom. Stewart says she saw that actor recently and he looked good, older…

Pattinson: I’ve already aged about six years.
Hardwicke: [A little too steamily?] Well, yeah.
Pattinson: I look haggard. Might as well recast. [Laughs]
Hardwicke: Yeah. I’m sure we can do better now. [Laughs]
Pattinson: Yeah, yeah, definitely. Yeah, it made money now. “Where’s Efron?” [Laughs]
Hardwicke: Now we can attract somebody good. [Laughs]

27:50 Edward walks away from Bella in the greenhouse. Pattinson: “I have so many inexplicable facial expressions in this movie.”

28:35 Edward follows Bella to the bus after the greenhouse visit.

Pattinson: See, that’s when I had pecs.
Hardwicke: Yeah, baby.
Pattinson: I had pecs about two days.
Hardwicke: Yeah, you’re lookin’ good here.
Pattinson: I bet you that everyone would hate me. I mean, I just look at me walking around with, like, my little peacoat on, little customized peacoat….
Hardwicke: Well nobody talks to you. Nobody hangs out with you.
Pattinson: It’s true. That’s why. It’s like he’s always looking in the mirror all the time. [Then, it sounds like he says something about Edward’s highlights.]

29:50 Cullens in the cafeteria. “In this scene, I’m talking about how much I don’t like cookies…. I’m sayin’, ‘Listen, guys. Have you read the book? We’re not supposed to be eating.'”

30:34 Pattinson admits that he tells people the shot of him kicking up the apple is real. “Well basically, you gotta get the right angle. You gotta get it right on the instep.” (They used a string, and it took him many, many takes.) Hardwicke says she used to ask if he was practicing his Hacky Sack because she wanted it to be more elaborate — e.g. bounce it off of two knees and an ankle and then catch it. “People would be in hysterics if they saw that,” he says. “It’s like, wow, he’s a superhuman moron…. So he wears lipstick, has a little bouffant, and does little circus acts as well. Oh, he’s so se[xy].” I think he was going to say sexy, but Stewart interrupted him to compliment the accent he used to say bouffant.

36:14 Bella Googles “Quileute Legends.” Hardwicke points out that one of the book results is Legends of the Slappy Beaver.

Pattinson: Kristen, was what your motivation behind going to the Thunderbird & Whale bookstore out of all the others?
Stewart: Um. [Laughter]
Hardwicke: Can you say kill? That was the one that was in Port Angeles, dude. The other ones are, like, too far away.

37:17 The girls plan their trip to Port Angeles to look for prom dresses, while sunning themselves. “Girls, you know it’s all just a game to them, relationships,” Pattinson says. “Just go around stomping on everyone…. I mean, look at this poor guy in the background with his collar up. You know he’s just gonna get ruined by women.”

38:39 A shot looking up at Bella outside the bookstore. “See, is that supposed to be me looking at her there?” he asks. Hardwicke’s answer: “It’s supposed to be, uh, maybe it would be you. What do you think?… Oh no, I don’t think it is. I think it’s just supposed to throw you off. Make you scared.” I would have expected the know the answer to that question. Just sayin’.

39:35: Edwards pulls up to save Bella from the bad humans (pictured).

Pattinson: [In prissy voice] “Now listen, guuuyyysss!”
Stewart: See, I knew you were gonna start saying something about this, but I think you look very scary.
Pattinson: “Come on guys. Let’s all, come on, let’s be simple about this.”
Hardwicke: I like the way the car roars in. Obviously, that wasn’t your driving, or those people would all be dead.

40:10 Edward speeds off with Bella in the car. Only not so much, if you look out the window.“I love that, how I’m driving 2 miles an hour,” Pattinson says. “‘Slow down!’ ‘I can’t go any slower!'”

40:35: They show up at the restaurant. “Sometimes I think I look like I’ve had facial reconstructive surgery, like after burns or something,” Pattinson says. “My whole head is like I’ve had a face lift.” (“A bad one,” Hardwicke jokes.) Pattinson says he was trying to “be really sexy” to one of Bella’s friends in the scene, and the actress just kept cracking up. “How were you trying to be sexy, Rob?” Hardwicke asks. “I really don’t know in fact. The more I look at it, I had no idea what I was thinking.”

41:45 Bella has dinner. More close-ups.

Pattinson: I wonder if vampire’s eyebrows can grow back.
Hardwicke: Hopefully.
Pattinson: Maybe they can make that part of my distraught thing in the second one.
Hardwicke: Where you stop plucking?

43:08 Edward tells Bella about his ability to read everyone’s mind but hers. Pattinson says this is normally the point where he can no longer handle watching himself in the film. He flashes back to his double, Logan. “That was the other thing about that car scene. The entire crew comes up to me just before I have to do it going like, ‘Wow, your stand-in just did it so much better than anything you’ve done the whole movie!’ I’m like, Great.” Hardwicke doesn’t help. “He did do a good job, I gotta say.” Pattinson goes to his fallback: “Doesn’t have eyebrows like mine…sculpted.” Stewart gets in a nice zinger: “Or the bouffant. The bouffant is much weaker than yours.”

45:30 Edward drives Bella home and stops at the police station. This was filmed on the last night. Pattinson says he was watching a movie in his trailer that day and started crying. Hardwicke says she cried when she went into Stewart’s trailer, but she doesn’t feel bad because Francis Ford Coppola cried on the set of The Godfather. Stewart says she cries all the time, any time she experiences a heightened emotion. Pattinson jokes that he isn’t friends with someone if they cry around him. Hardwicke points out that he said he just cried. “Yeah, but I was crying over something very legitimate. A movie,” he cracks.

48:50 Bella figures out what Edward really is, and sees him in the schoolyard before heading into the woods. “This is a good look. I’m gonna mess him up,” Pattinson praises Stewart. “And I’m just like, I don’t know what’s going on? Where am I? I just walked out of a flower bed in this scene as well…. I was standing in the flower bed and then walked out it and then stopped and looked confused…. If I didn’t have contact lenses on, that was a really spectacular look I just did…. I should have had million thoughts, like Hamlet.”

52:21 Edward reveals his sparkling upper-body. “I thought I was supposed to have a fake six-pack in this scene,” he says. He notes that Edward got dressed really quick. (So did I.)

55:08 “I’ve got such effeminate hands. I could never be strong,” Pattinson says, as Edward pins Bella against a tree (or root or something). “What? Your hands are awesome, dude,” Hardwicke says. He explains that he used to play goalie in soccer. “Whenever I even got to a save, my fingers would just bend back and the ball would hit me in the face.” They’re good for playing guitar and piano, Hardwicke says to console him.

55:50 Pattinson says he never noticed that he had a scar on his head, from when someone hit him with a strap as a child. Hardwicke jokingly asks if it was a teacher. “My father,” Pattinson quips. “No, no.” (It was a friend, with a strap on his bag or something.)

1:00:00 Flashback of Carlisle turning Esme.

Pattinson: Wow, that was much sexier than my one.
Hardwicke: Yeah, well Esme knows how to deliver, honey.
Pattinson: I know. That’s my problem. Can’t follow through.
Hardwicke: So we’ve heard. No. [Laughs]

1:12:00 Hardwicke is trying to get Pattinson to talk about how much he wanted to kill her for making him re-shoot Edward’s piano playing. (The first time, Pattinson played his own composition. After the movie got a composer, he was asked to play the theme that would permeate the film.) He won’t bite. There are boys tossing a basketball outside the diner. “I never understood people who liked throwing balls around,” he says. I LOVE IT WHEN HE STUMPS HARDWICKE.

1:14:18 Finally, the kissing scene. Hardwicke says, “I have heard from, um, people of all ages, that this scene kinda gets ’em goin’.” It certainly works on 33-year-olds. Or so I have, um, heard.

Pattinson: This is quite difficult ’cause I have a really flat head, and so it’s quite difficult to get a correct angle,” Pattinson says. “And you can’t go up from down below as well, ’cause I’ve got, like, rock solid gelled hair. And so, like, it was odd. I don’t know, sometimes I feel like my head is being, like, turned inside out. Like that episode of Ren & Stimpy when he’s inside his own belly button. [Stewart laughs] I don’t know.
Hardwicke: Okay….

He really shouldn’t watch himself onscreen. (I, however, have no problem. I may have just rewound. Twice.) The awkward rambling is endearing.

1:22:40 The baseball scene (pictured). Edward crouches and defends Bella from James. “Oh jeez, that’s a tough facial expression to pull off,” Pattinson says. (I love that he knows he didn’t.) He says he growled, but it was cut. “Don’t put it in the DVD…. If it is, I’ll sue,” he threatens. Stewart recreates it, and (unintentionally?) sounds like a cat coughing up a fur ball. Hardwicke says they tried so many different growls, but ended up toning down the growls for everyone.

Pattinson: Looking scary with a baseball outfit on and a little bouffant, you know, it just does not work. Especially with sculpted eyebrows.
Hardwicke: Rob. Stop it.
Pattinson: I’m really scary in reality.
Hardwicke: Yeah, we know that.
Pattinson: Most of the time.

1:27:45 Pattinson says he doesn’t understand why James doesn’t come and kill Bella when she’s leaving Charlie’s house. Discussion ensues, but he just cannot grasp it.

Hardwicke: “It’s not for you to understand, Edward.”
Pattinson: “You’re just a puppet.”
Hardwicke: “Just say the lines.”
Pattinson: “Just say the lines, and shut up.”
Hardwicke: “Just look pretty.”

1:35:45 Bella is on her way to the ballet studio. Pattinson praises a part of the book — that wasn’t in the book. It was in an early draft of the script. Ha.

1:39:29 Laughter as Edward growls at James, bites and spits out a piece of his neck (or, chicken and cheese).

1:14:30 Hardwicke confirms that Stewart is (also) rolling her eyes as Hardwicke praises her performance as James’ venom works its way through her system. Pattinson is silent. Pity.

1:55:18 Closing credits. A shot of Jasper looking longingly at Edward. Stewart asks, “Why is he looking at you like that?” Pattinson responds, “Back story…. It was a little different thread, which wasn’t followed through.” And fan-fic writers go wild!

Is the commentary your favorite of the DVD extras? What’s your favorite Pattinson moment?

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