By Karen Valby
Updated March 11, 2009 at 08:38 PM EDT

The Countess put together a charity event for the American Cancer Society. The Housewives would prepare an elaborately healthy meal for visiting patients at New York’s Hope Lodge. What could go wrong at an event that should so clearly only concentrate on men and women in real need, right? Well, as the women ripped apart a head of romaine lettuce, LuAnn questioned the elegance of Ramona’s Man Magnet prescription for single Bethenny. So Ramona, eyes bugging as LuAnn alluded to the vulnerability of a girl’s reputation, accused LuAnn of knowing nothing about men as she married one twice her age. LuAnn, looking like Glenn Close at her wobbliest in Fatal Attraction, got royally pissed. They snipped back and forth as a pale, bald woman in a baseball cap walked in and out of the shot preparing the food — you know, for the meal to honor cancer patients. LuAnn whined to the camera about how this was supposed to be her night and bitchy Ramona went and ruined it. Way to give it up for charity, ladies.

Meanwhile, Bethenny (pictured) was the cover model for a bi-weekly called Social Life magazine. This was supposed to be her moment and bitchy LuAnn went and ruined it by bringing up the necessity of retouching. I’m not sure what else to say here, other than if Bravo ever gives that awful editor-in-chief Devorah (“Oh my God, kitten, just shut up and be pretty!”) any more air time I will be forced to boycott all of their shows.

In the ‘burbs (and that was a cruelly delicious cut from Ramona’s oceanic Hamptons pool to Alex and Simon’s 10-foot inflatable), the couple finally met with a contractor to talk about their ramshackle of a house. They want built-in bookshelves for the collections of Shakespeare and Dickens so Francois can pluck whatever classic down from the shelf whenever the spirit moves him. Fast-forward to a picture of Francois gumming page 38 of Oliver Twist as he makes funny shapes out of Mummy’s bras.

To explain the unique ridiculousness of Alex and Simon to someone unacquainted with this show, I’d present this snippet of dialogue from the scene of them packing for their Caribbean vacation:

ALEX: I probably don’t need the denim ball gown, as much as I love it.
SIMON: I’m going to take these pink jeans.
ALEX: Are you taking your pink loafers too?

How about it, PopWatchers? Last night, with Jill in woefully short supply, was a drag. Is a Real Housewives of New York worth watching without Jill? Who would you rather be stuck in an elevator with — Ramona or Devorah? Did you know they made denim ball gowns?