By Michael Slezak
Updated July 30, 2020 at 01:51 PM EDT

Objectively speaking, opening night of American Idol‘s eighth-season semifinals was not good, dawgs. On the women’s side, if it wasn’t abysmal song choice (Ann Marie Boskovich), it was abysmal singing (Stevie Wright), or abysmal styling (Jackie Tohn), or abysmal all-of-the-above (Casey Carlson). For the men, once-promising performers took spectacular nosedives (Stephen Fowler), middling performers got praised just for being nice (Michael Sarver), and personal favorites (Anoooooooooop!) didn’t quite live up to expectations. (It’s okay, ‘Noop Dawg, I’m still a fan.) Oh, and regardless of the gender of vocalist, the American Idol band (Rickey Minor and the Karaoke Backing Track Orchestra!) sucked with all the fury of a hungry 10-year-old trying to make a too-thick milkshake climb up a narrow straw.

My gut tells me Danny Gokey and Alexis Grace will score tickets to the top 12, with the non-gender-specific third position going to Anoop Desai. Possible spoilers? Ricky Braddy? Maybe Michael Sarver? Or, if America doesn’t buy the judges’ too-hasty labeling of Alexis as the next Kelly Clarkson, maybe Ann Marie or…um…can we do write-in texts for Leneshe Young?

But hey, I still need to ponder all this excitement for the next few hours as I work on my full TV Watch recap. Check back for it around 6 a.m., and until then, check out the latest episode of Idolatry and head to the comments section below to share your thoughts about tonight’s show.