TV's funniest quotes from Jan. 2 to 8, 2009

By EW Staff
January 09, 2009 at 05:00 AM EST

”Even though I’m a man, I don’t like beer. I prefer appletinis. They make me feel fancy. There, you hurt and embarrassed me — you happy?”
—J.D. (Zach Braff), after Turk mocked him for turning down a beer, on Scrubs

”You were with a plumber and a housecleaner. Let’s face it: You like your service providers.”
—Gaby (Eva Longoria Parker), to Susan, on Desperate Housewives

”Who’s next? Maybe [Gov. Rod] Blagojevich should appoint Carrot Top. Or Gallagher. He could use the gavel of Nancy Pelosi to smash watermelons.”
—Stephen Colbert, on Al Franken’s election to the Senate, on The Colbert Report

”I love these cutaways where you just can’t hear one thing except drunken people screaming and doing gang signs — and they’re white.”
—Kathy Griffin, during CNN’s New Year’s Eve Live

”One of my nicknames is actually Pooh Pooh Lei, which in Hawaiian is ‘an abundance of poop.”’
—Colon-cleansing Eric Nies, on Confessions of a Teen Idol