By Annie Barrett
Updated December 19, 2008 at 12:00 PM EST

I am truly the worst. I thought I’d have time to shop this week! Oh, well. My friends and family will love reeking of charred ground chuck for all of ’09. Even if they only spritz it on once in ’08. At $4 per tube, Burger King’s Flame cologne is a huge bargain.

All week, I’ve kept Flame’s website — the aptly titled — open in my least powerful web browser (on the off chance that a more powerful one would have the strength to leap out into the realm of real space and murder me). I’ve considered it sort of a Festivus-esque Feat of Strength to see how long I can tolerate the site’s “theme music,” which just lolls back and forth between two chords. This exercise produces nothing but an overwhelming sense of doom and a fierce suspicion that my life might be mirroring the theme music for Maybe today will get better! / Probably not. / Wait, life is lookin’ up! / Hah, just kidding. / Something could be about to happen! / No, nothing ever will. Today’s record was 18 minutes. Try it for yourself!

Offer up your last-minute cheap-o gift suggestions in the comments. PLEASE. The people who have to associate with me in real life will thank you.