By Clark Collis
November 28, 2008 at 12:00 PM EST

Let’s assume you’re an adult male who has somehow avoided reading EW’s 1,783 recent Twilight cover stories. You may be thinking, “Hey, this thing made a ton of money; maybe I should see it.” You shouldn’t. Twilight has no more to offer you than a sale at Sephora (FYI: Apparently, that’s a lipstick emporium of some sort). Oh, sure, the premise of this horror movie sounds enticing: A hot teenage girl (Kristen Stewart) moves to a new school in the rugged Pacific Northwest, where she discovers that the man of her dreams (Robert Pattinson) is actually…a vampire! It’s Near Dark-meets-Deliverance, right? Incorrectamundo! This adaptation of Stephenie Meyer’s best-selling novel (for girls!) is actually the lamest episode of 90210 ever made combining forces with the second-lamest episode of 90210 ever made.

In fact — and this is the crucial point — Twilight is not a horror movie at all, just an excuse to feature the two leads making cow eyes at each other. Pattinson and his band of fellow goth-nerds only feast on the blood of, uh, cute animals, which might irk the folks at PETA, but does not a terrifying movie make. This interminable kissyfest is as frightening as an average edition of The View (FYI: Apparently, that’s a daytime chat show of some sort). Yes, if you take a ladyfriend, she will repeatedly clutch your knee — which, after all, is the principal raison d’être of the horror genre. However, she will do this not from fear but to alert you to some aspect of Pattinson’s total dreaminess. That’s no way to spend an evening when there is beer to be drunk, sports teams to be supported, or, indeed, paint to watch dry.