By Michael Slezak
Updated October 22, 2008 at 07:11 PM EDT

It’s that time of year again. Like a greedy bastard at an all-you-can-eat buffet, I’ve spent the last six weeks loading up my DVR with more fall TV than I could ever possibly consume. Yesterday, things reached a breaking point when I attempted to set a recording for Animal Planet’s Living With the Wolfman (more on that later) and my DVR swayed its shoulders, put a hand up in my face, and hissed, “Slezak, please! Either you delete some of this junk, or I’m doing it for you!” And because I never, ever want my DVR to be angry with me, I promptly scanned my series-recording list, then grabbed my pad and pen and fired off a couple of “Dear John” letters…

Dear Fringe,
On paper, we were a match made in TV heaven. Your creators were responsible for Alias, Lost, and Felicity…and I love Alias, Lost, and Felicity. You had a cool, X-Files-esque premise, and really nifty title cards. Your supposed-to-be-a-breakout star (Anna Torv) had shiny, pretty hair. But then her acting turned out to be a little leaden. And John Noble’s sing-songy, hyper-quirky delivery started working my last nerve. By the time we got to that episode where Joshua Jackson was strapped to a table with brain-monitor-sensors shoved up his nose, and I realized I didn’t actually care what happened to him, I knew our affair had all the staying power of What About Brian. If you’re game for it, though, I’m open to the idea of occasional hookups. Any show with a sinister Blair Brown can’t be all bad.

Dear True Blood,
It’s not you, it’s the writing.
PS: Please kill off Ryan Kwanten’s character; his abs deserve a better show.