Scott Brown's Hit List

1. Billy Ray Cyrus serenades Miley with ”Achy Breaky Heart” for her sweet 16
I never realized that song was about having a teen daughter who makes more money than you do.

2. Clint Eastwood declined GOP VP before he was even asked
Clint has also preemptively turned down the presidency, the UN general secretaryship, and the Burger King crown they give you on your birthday.

3. Rachel Maddow says Pat Buchanan inspired her
For years, she was under the impression that Buchanan was a lesbian comedian.

4. Salma Hayek appears to narrowly avoid ”wardrobe malfunction” on German TV
At the last second, the German government stepped in to stabilize the situation.

5. Calista Flockhart’s mother has taken up acting in her retirement
Finally, an actress old enough to realistically play opposite Harrison Ford!

6. Dominick Dunne sees ”sadness” in O.J. Simpson
He then whispers: ”I’m busting you out, old foe. The ’90s aren’t over till we say they are!”

7. Robin Wright Penn, reunited with Sean, reminisces about their first date: He wore a bola tie, cowboy boots, and a pith helmet
It’ll be hard to recapture that magic without a Ted Nugent rummage sale.

8. Lynne Spears says things are looking up
This just in: Lynne Spears is not in possession of a television set or Internet service.

9. Kevin Bacon to play John Wilkes Booth in Showtime series
Back in 1865, everyone played the ”Six Degrees of John Wilkes Booth” game.

10. Spies say Kevin Costner met Bull Durham writer-director at Trader Vic’s to discuss sequel
Laugh if you will, but Cocoon 3 is currently being brokered by Wilford Brimley at a North Hollywood Ralph’s.