Scott Brown's Hit List

1. Russell Crowe jokes he’s already picked a bride for his 2-year-old son: Nicole Kidman’s baby daughter
It could move Australia closer to its dream of being a nation of really skinny, really angry movie stars.

2. Bruce Springsteen to play Super Bowl halftime show
Well, almost: Due to the financial crisis, it’ll actually be the tribute band ‘Steen Wolf.

3. One Tree Hill star Sophia Bush: ”Even Halle Berry has cellulite”
Hush, Sophia. Next you’re going to tell me Santa Claus doesn’t have washboard abs under that fat suit.

4. Artist Damien Hirst buys portrait of Paris Hilton made of pornography
It’s called A Study in Redundancy.

5. Disney sends Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens to Sweden
And controversially declares the two would meet Supreme Nordic Leader the Swedish Chef without preconditions.

6. Dennis Quaid says Meg Ryan wants to ”rehash and rewrite” their marriage
And he will absolutely, positively not agree to any reshoots.

7. Brangelina and brood set up house in Germany
They’re hoping Hasselhoff will draw off most of the paparazzi.

8. Melissa Joan Hart says she’s been repeatedly dissed by Dancing With the Stars
”I mean, they even invited that talking cat from Sabrina, and he can’t even stand upright.”

9. Brooke Hogan reportedly heard saying she isn’t gay — but ”might as well be”
It would justify her exhaustive Indigo Girls music library.

10. Potential new series imagines a future where U.S. refugees live in an ”Americatown” abroad
You can’t get real Chinese food there, either.