The 10 hottest topics for the week of September 22, 2008

1. Gwyneth refuses to have a personal chef
Plus, I hear she put Chris Martin’s jet on eBay!

2. Janet Jackson leaves her label, seeking ”autonomy”
And if by ”autonomy” she means her very own self-produced bedroom podcast, I suspect she will get it.

3. Audrina Patridge moves out of Lauren Conrad’s guest house
”Spread your wings and fly, little bird,” said Conrad. ”I’ve taught you everything I know.”

4. Jennifer Garner spotted buying baby clothes bearing the word ”Hunk”
Experts now agree that it’s best to objectify infants.

5. George Michael, arrested again in a public bathroom, is sorry for ”boring” us
Next year, he promises to mix it up with a movie theater.

6. Tom Cruise watches Katie Holmes in All My Sons
By Act 2, he knew ”this isn’t the one with Fred MacMurray.”

7. Noel Gallagher is upset that the new Bond theme is written by ”f—ing Americans”
Wait until he hears about the Yankified Doctor Who remake starring Brody Jenner.

8. New mom Jodie Sweetin says her reality show has ”kind of like a Tori & Dean vibe, but we’re a little more rock & roll”
For instance, they just bought a leather Baby Björn with zinc studs.

9. Disney, Miley Cyrus deny she’s leaving Hannah Montana
”Haha! Totally false!” laughed a sweaty-browed Mickey Mouse, hugging Miley closer. ”That would be — HAHAHAHA — catastrophic!”

10. French museum to present Kate Moss exhibit, not far from the Louvre’s Mona Lisa Dan Brown is already writing The Kate Moss Code, which suggests that Jesus was once a fan of Babyshambles frontman Pete Doherty.