The 10 hottest topics for the week of September 8, 2008

1. Jessica Alba to play a recluse consumed with numbers and math
In even less probable casting news: me to play Jessica Alba.

2. Donny and Marie kick off new G-rated Vegas act
It will be a little bit country, a little bit rock & roll, and a lot Dora the Explorer.

3. State Department names Fran Drescher a special envoy
Sources tell me she will serve as cultural attaché o troubled Oyster Bay, Long Island.

4. Jack White felt pressured not to play guitar in school
Raised in an alternate universe, little Jack was beaten savagely after school by popular band kids with clarinets.

5. Tim Gunn says Cindy McCain looks ”duct-taped”
Makes sense. Her personal dresser is another Scotch-Irish patriot: MacGyver.

6. Oasis’ Gallagher brothers in fray with onstage attacker
It was an excellent opportunity for them to use skills learned over years of beating the crap out of each other.

7. After 13 weeks, Tori Spelling’s book reaches the top of New York Times best-seller list
It’s called Dreams From My Father, and lists all of the dreams her father bought for her.

8. Alec Baldwin feuds with My Name Is Earl creator
That Earl dude had better fireproof his voicemail box.

9. At concert in Rome, Madonna dedicates ”Like a Virgin” to the Pope
Oh, how sweet! She noticed his ”promise ring”!

10. Woody Allen directs opera in L.A.
It’s Puccini’s immortal masterpiece Right Turn on a Red Light.