The 10 hottest topics for the week of September 1, 2008

1. Jessica Simpson reveals she’s had boyfriends the public doesn’t know about
”Let’s see: There was Mister Spazzles. He was seven feet tall and made of golden ponies. Then there was my Jonathan Taylor Thomas poster, which came alive at night…”

2. Oprah ”cried my eyelashes off” during Obama speech
Tyra did her one better and passed a kidney.

3. Kim Kardashian hopes Dancing With the Stars stint will firm up her celebrated rump
She saw how it did wonders for Steve Guttenberg’s. You could bounce a quarter off that thing!

4. Jerry O’Connell says his as-yet-unborn twins will be allowed to have sex ”when I’m dead”
What a happy day that will be for them! They’ll always have such pleasant associations.

5. Chris Martin says members of Coldplay sew clothes while recording
Having seen what they wear, I find this completely unsurprising.

6. John Lennon movie in the works
Literally dozens of films have been made about Jesus, and Yoko’s looking to even the score.

7. Diddy gives shout-out to ”Saudi Arabian brothers and sisters,” asks for ”some oil for my jet”
It was roughly as successful as his shout-out to corn, calling on it to ”turn into biofuel, dawg.”

8. Charlize Theron rejects marriage proposal from reporter
She should reconsider. He can offer her up to $17,000 a year and all the key chains and movie-promo T-shirts she can wear.

9. Connie Chung to bickering MSNBC pundits: ”Grow up!”
”Now let’s act like adults and go hound someone’s 70-year-old mother!”

10. Tim Gunn says Jennifer Aniston’s clothes make her look desperate and high-maintenance
He’s mainly referring to her Busted Tee that says ”Desperate and High-Maintenance.”