August 29, 2008 at 04:00 AM EDT

”This Thursday, Barack Obama is going to give his acceptance speech — and reportedly it will include performances by Bon Jovi and Bruce Springsteen. And they say Obama’s not black enough!”
—Conan O’Brien on Late Night

”It’s official: The Jonas Brothers are now more popular than the Beatles…among girls who have never heard of the Beatles.”
—Joel McHale on The Soup

”For the love of God, will someone please punch me in the face so I can see some stars?”
—Cloris Leachman, talking about the dais of comics, on The Comedy Central Roast of Bob Saget

”My mom and dad don’t actually live with me, but I don’t think they know that. I keep them around because old people are a really good source of prescription medication.”
—Margaret Cho on The Cho Show

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