By Kate Ward
Updated August 12, 2008 at 04:00 PM EDT

When it comes to treasured childhood toys, I don’t like change. Just ask anyone under seven in my family who has to deal with my constant complaining regarding the fact that Polly Pocket is no longer pocket-sized, thus making her whole name maddeningly misleading. So upon hearing the news that Hasbro decided to update its Clue board game to attract younger audiences, I was as red as the carpet in the library after Miss Scarlet was killed by Professor Plum with the revolver. Some of changes that make me cringe: The now-excessively pimped-out mansion will boast more rooms — including a spa and theater — and Colonel Mustard will shed his military garb in favor of a football uniform as a former sports star. And prepare to say goodbye to the lead pipe, which has been replaced by three new weapons — a trophy, a baseball bat, and an ax.

For me, the reason I stayed home on Saturday nights to play Clue loved the game was because it was so archaic. It was far more fun and silly to solve the crime when you imagined it being committed with such ridiculous turn-of-the-century objects as a lead pipe and a candlestick holder. (Michael Slezak, on the other hand, likes the addition of the ax, making his case with the irrefutable rebuttal, “Axes are hot.”) Plus, Hasbro’s going about this all wrong. Come on, if we’re really going to make Clue modern, shouldn’t Miss Scarlett — now with a first name: Cassandra — have a sex tape and her own E! reality show? And Hasbro should at least include a pair of sunglasses so players can tear them off David Caruso-style when they say, “Mrs. White, in the hot tub, with a bottle of Cristal. Looks like she showed her true colors.”