Wanna know how I knew this Kathy/Woz liaison was doomed? The only adjectives our funny lady could ever muster to describe her billionaire bear were “smart” and “genius.” Throw in a “he’s got a great personality” and you’ve got the perfect trifecta for a fizzle rather than a sizzle. My friend Tara always says you’ve got to be able to imagine jumping a guy’s bones or it will never work. And in this case, it was truly as simple as that. But before the duo parted ways, they must have inked a deal with the Segway devil to product-place the crap out of this completely frivolous gizmo, because it truly was the star of the episode.

I’m not embarrassed to admit that the Personal Transporter (as it’s deemed on Segway’s web site) scares me in much the same way skis scare me. Neither one has brakes! The Segway actually frightens me more because of the way you stop–by leaning backward. It’s one step away from a team-building trust fall with only the pavement to temper your crash landing. It seemed Kathy felt the same way trying to maneuver the Segway around her downhill driveway, and it couldn’t have helped having “Debbie Downer” Wozniak there to tell her all about the people who crack their heads open on the sidewalk (and he was talking about the ones on foot). After Kathy cheated death several times. the pair headed to the mathematically sublime (all those perfect Bs!) restaurant, Bob’s Big Boy of Burbank, for a fancy meal.

But of course, this show isn’t called The Apple Guru, and we spent some non-Woz time with Kathy and Team Griffin, too, on a visit tothe University of Southern California; Kath had beeninvited to discuss her managerial skills (“Such as?” Jessica snidelyinquired) with juniors and seniors at the Marshall School of Business.The evening was mostly lighthearted (I want to do a faux Behind the Actor’s Studiointerview too!), though Kathy did speak seriously and thoughtfullyabout the First Amendment issues she faces making fun of celebritiesfor a living. Yay for knowing your rights, girl! And how great was itto find out that Jessica used to be a shampoo girl? Strangely, I cankind of see it.

Back at home, Kath dragged friend Rachel True of The Craftfame to Woz’s Segway polo match so she could hook her up with one of Woz’sequally intelligent though hopefully less nerdy co-worker. Thewhole afternoon was about as awkward as you’d expect watching middle-aged men who still livewith their mothers attempt to hit on a Hollywood beauty (who totally schooledKathy on the Segway, by the way). Two suitors, Rob and George, stood outfrom the nerd squad, so Kathy invited them to dine with her, Rachel, andWoz at some joint called the Hick’ry Pit. But those poor boys couldn’tget a word in edgewise thanks to the cockblocker who refused to shutup. Does Woz not pick up on social cues? How many blank stares can oneperson receive before getting the hint?

The uncomfortably strange evening ended with Kathy and Woz beingcrowned prom king and queen (sort of) at the Fur Ball charity event.Who could’ve imagined the dynamic duo’s romance would end with a furball? Yeah, yeah, it’s not that hard.

So PopWatchers, are you sad to see Woz and Kathy part ways? Do youhave any Segway pointers for Kath? Do you have a man for poor Rachel?Tell all!

Kathy Griffin: My Life On The D-List
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